Yesterday, I felt so so. Cynthia suggested I try some medical cannabis for the queasy stomach. I took too much and got high, but my stomach felt normal.
In the late morning, my friend, Oliver, who lives on the Big Island called to check in. Oliver wants me to fly to Hawaii and stay with him. He even said that my boys can come along. At one point, he had a rental house that he was willing to let the boys and I live in, but he recently sold it.
I told Oliver how uncomfortable I had been, and he offered empathy and support. “I love you, Kozo,” he said at the end of the call.
Then around midday, my boss, Michael Lerner called. Michael is the co-founder of Commonweal and the author of the first book on integrative cancer care, Choices in Healing. “This is has nothing to do with work. I just want to check in on you,” Michael said.
Michael has walked thousands of cancer patients through their cancer healing journeys at the more than 200 Cancer Help Programs that he has run at Commonweal over the past 30 years. He offered some wisdom around setting up palliative care before I need it and trying other forms of pain relief.
I was overflowing with gratitude that Michael, who had just gone through open heart surgery 4 months ago, was taking time on his weekend to check in with me. “It is because I really care about you, Kozo,” Michael said. “I have a deep warmth in my heart for you…I love you, Kozo.”
I am honored to work with a man like Michael Lerner. I am in awe that he would take time out of his over-booked schedule to check in on me. And I feel blessed by the divine that Michael would have so much love in his heart for me.
In the evening, Cynthia Li checked in with me over text. I told her that I felt a little better after taking the cannabis. She texted back, “So glad it relieves the queasiness. Thank God and the angels for tender mercies. I love you.”
Right before I went to sleep my older son gave me a hug and said, “I love you, Dad.” I tucked my younger son in bed and gave him a hug, “I love you,” he said. Then when I was in my room getting ready for bed, my younger son walked in gave me a big hug and said, “I love you, Dad” again.
After a fitful night’s sleep, I awoke early to participate in a Qigong workshop that Cynthia was hosting with over 100 other participants. Cynthia was talking about the healing power of connecting with the chi field when she started crying.
“The tears that I am crying are for my dear friend, Kozo Hattori, who is going through a deep and challenging cleansing. I would like to dedicate my practice today to Kozo,” Cynthia said as she wiped tears from her eyes.
I come from a family where the “L” word wasn’t really ever mentioned. Even now, when I tell my mom I love her, she hesitates before saying, “I love you, too.” Even though my family didn’t mention love much, ever since I was little I loved the word and feeling of love. I was the guy in high school who told girls that I loved them after one dance. I enjoyed writing love letters more than receiving them. I cried freely while watching romantic comedies–“You had me at hello.” In my later years, I became comfortable telling my male friends that I loved them.
To experience so much love flowing my way from such a diverse and disparate group of individuals felt amazing. I feel held by love. Ironically, I have no intimate partner at this time, but I have more lovers than I can shake a stick at. What more can we ask for?