I have had the pleasure of having a number of intimate conversations with Jolanda Van Den Berg. She has given me the permission to be who I am in all senses. When I told her my life story, I felt no judgment from her, only understanding. It felt like she was inhabiting my life and could understand not only all my feelings and motivations, but also the feelings and motivations of those around me.
She exonerated me from any guilt or regret. I could accept all that happened as vibrant colors of life expressing itself through me.
She told my friend, Preeta: “If you can feel love for everything that happened before and not go into story lines, then maybe you can really enjoy being yourself, because that will always be with you rather than what you did right, what you did wrong, whether you were spiritual or not.”
I’m beginning to love everything in my life—the abusive childhood, the emotionally distant mother, the fall from grace, the unemployment, the divorce, the cancer, the recurrence of cancer—which allows me to enjoy being Kozo in this present moment. I told Jolanda that I am happier today than I have ever been in my life.
I no longer have to be the “good son,” the “cool dude,” the perfect human. I am a unique manifestation of spirit. A deep loving, gentle, compassionate male. Jolanda posted the Smith’s song, There is a Light that Never Goes Out” on her Facebook page. I told her that I loved that song when I was in college. I was that kind of man who would die for my love—“If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.”
I have the intention to be that fully embodied loving man again. I don’t know if this will keep me alive longer, but I definitely know that I will live more fully the days I have left.
One last quotation from Jolanda to really emphasize the point:
See the “gift in the drama.” That pretty much sums it up. We all have a light inside us that never goes out; it just waits patiently for us to open the blinds (blind spots) and let it shine.