Let Go, then, Let Go More

I had a relapse of the viral infection. It was like a mini-me version of the infection. The first time I was bedridden for a week, this time only 3 days. The abdominal cramps only lasted for 5 days rather than 2 weeks.

I’ve lost a tremendous amount of weight. Last I checked, I was down to 129 pounds from 144 pounds a few months ago. I’ve stopped weighing myself after Cynthia brought up a powerful point: “As for your weight, why don’t you forgo the scale for a while? It may reinforce the deficiencies rather than having you focus on the healing. “

I haven’t been able to do any physical activity. Even walking the dogs feels taxing on my body. I was telling Cynthia how I feel sadness about losing all my muscle tone. It got to the point where I wouldn’t look in the mirror because I couldn’t bear to see how skinny and emaciated my body had become. Then I remembered how Cynthia had gone through a process of truly loving her body no matter what it looked like.

So one day, after undressing, I forced myself to look at the reflection in the mirror. What I saw was the body of Christ on the cross. I could see my rib cage, my arms were spindly, and my stomach was concave. But I stared at my Christ-on-the-cross body in awe. I fell in love with my body just the way it was.

I’m realizing that this illness is forcing me to let go of things that I was still holding onto. I haven’t been able to skateboard, so I’ve felt like I’ve been falling behind the curve of progression (as if there is a curve of progression for 55 year old skateboarders!). But I’ve had to drop all competitiveness. I’ve even had to let go of the hope of ever skating or surfing again. I’m not saying that I won’t return to the park and ocean one day, just that I’ve had to let go of clinging to the possibility.

I’ve also had to let go of many of my spiritual practices. Before this illness, I was doing 100 day gong qigong practices where you practice everyday for 100 days in a row. I had the same streaks running with pranayama and OM chanting practices. But I had to stop it all.

I remember Matt Kahn saying something like disease is your body trying to catch up to your consciousness. I’ve let go of any striving for higher consciousness and focused all my attention on nurturing my body.

I have this image of me and my body being a jet fighter plane in a steep dive. Chasing me are bogeys of infection. I am accelerating straight toward the ground. I feel like if I can pull up at the last second, then the bogeys of infection will crash into the ground, and I will be free to head for the heavens. Of course, if I can’t pull up, well then…

God willing, I will pull out of this infection and begin an upward trajectory of health and spirit. Either way, I am grateful for all the baggage that has been shed. I feel much lighter in my daily thoughts and activities. Life is amazing.

2 comments on “Let Go, then, Let Go More

  1. Sending hugs Kozo. You’re doing incredibly well, despite all the seeming difficulties.
    Happy Thanksgiving.
    Alison xo

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