Slave of Love

For the past few weeks I have been a full-time caregiver for a 74 year old man from my meditation group who has treatable blood cancer.

The other day, Fox, my 8 year old son, shadowed me while I took my client to the cancer center and back to his house. After watching me work, Fox said, “So you are a slave.”

I explained to Fox that I am a caregiver. I help others that need assistance. But I can see how he could perceive me as a slave since I cook, clean, attend to, and follow my client around making sure he has everything he needs.

At first, I was saddened that my son had such a low opinion of what I do (Read: Who I am). But then I thought about Hawaiian elder, Hale Makua’s description of the roles we play in life.

The 1st level is kauwā—the slave, the level of the servant. These souls have come to be of service. The 2nd level is kaha kiʻi—the artist. The 3rd level is the warrior—ke koa. The 4th is meaʻimi naʻauao—the scholar. The explorer, sage, teacher is the next level. The 6th level is the priest, the prophet, the healer—the kahuna nui. The 7th level is ali´i—the chief, king, queen, the one who has achieved mastery of all the previous levels.

The first 2 levels, the servant and the artist, are about aloha—love, compassion. But number 3, the warrior, is about the energy of Kū—competition. On the level of scholar, we step back into aloha. But at the level of the sage, we go back into the energy of Kū. The 6th level is a return to aloha, for “in order to be effective as the priest or as the healer, we can only come from aloha, from love, from compassion, and we have to choose it.”

In this lifetime, I seem to have taken on all of these roles. In high school, I was a servant at Marie Calendars and Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor. I’ve been a filmmaker/writer throughout my life. I tried to be a warrior as a martial artist and surfer. I was a scholar in grad school. I then became a teacher. And lately, I’ve been a healer.

I don’t claim to have mastered any of these roles, but I do feel like I’ve come full circle. In the eyes of modern society, I appear to be a failure—a 52 year old caregiver making just enough to stay afloat. But in Hawaiian epistemology, I am returning to Aloha and service. Nothing is more important than Aloha.

I am grateful for the return to service. I hope one day my sons understand the choices I’ve made. My life isn’t how I’d ever envisioned it, but it makes a lot of sense.

 

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“Earth School”

Spent the last few nights with Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. So grateful for their dedication to the path.

Although Gary has been on Oprah 37 times, he is one of the most humble, vulnerable, and authentic men I have ever met.

A few pieces of wisdom really resonated with me.

First, Gary said that at one point in his life he was afraid of being afraid. He said the clinical term for this is “macho.” I realized how much of my life I overcompensated for being afraid—afraid of being alone, afraid of my emotions, afraid of not being good enough.

Next, Gary and Linda said there are only two intentions—one that comes from love and one that comes from fear. Other intentions they referred to as “out-tensions.” When deciding on any course of action, they ask themselves if they are coming from love or fear.

This reminded me of a conversation we had with a Hawaiian elder named Manulani Aluli Meyer. She said, “When love is at the center, ego isn’t.”

Manu continues, “We are dedicated to the purpose of what love means in this lifetime. And it must start within your own practices and your own commitments and your own deeds. That is why I love Shakespeare’s quotation when he said, ‘By my actions teach my mind’. I love that because it is not by our talk or by our words, it is by our actions. So that is a very cultural statement. Basically, stop talking, start doing. And when you are doing in the vibrancy of what aloha is, then there is a healing on the planet.”

As a grandson of a Hawaiian man, I have the kuleana (responsibility) to dedicate my life to “what love means in this life time.” My purpose is to be aloha. To be pono (righteous).

I often ask my sons, “Are you being pono (righteous) or pilikia (troublesome)?” This is similar to Gary and Linda’s practice of questioning whether they are coming from love or fear.

Lastly, both Gary and Linda refer to this life as “earth school.” We are souls here to learn. I love that view of life.

During one circle, I felt obliged to share a talk I had with my cousin. I was telling him how I was a compassionate boy when I was young. I remember crying while watching Laura Ingals on Little House on the Prairie.

Then my step-father entered my life and started whipping me with a leather belt when I was 5 years old. Talking to my cousin, I was furious that I didn’t have a choice in this monumental event in my life.

After 12 years of abuse, I turned into a cruel and angry adolescent who lacked compassion. This lack of compassion torpedoed my life. I lost lovers, friends, and jobs. After I hit rock bottom, I dedicated myself to becoming a compassionate man and raising compassionate boys.

But it was/is a process. On the phone with my cousin, I simultaneously grieved the innocence of that 4 year old compassionate boy and raged at the injustice that he was forced to suffer.

Then I was struck with a vision. I saw my soul floating above the earth plane before I was born. My soul could see my whole life laid out before it. And then…it CHOSE to incarnate into this life.

I chose physical abuse. I chose cancer. I chose unemployment. I chose all these things because I knew that they would bring me to the awakening I am experiencing right now.

I thanked Gary and Linda for the term “earth school,” because I now realize that I chose my own curriculum. Of all the classes available, I chose Physical Abuse 101, Introduction to Cancer, Financial Hardship 2B, Mediation 100, Advanced Surfing, Intro to Kapu Aloha, and the Noble Friends Seminar.

After this realization, I no longer blame others for what is happening in my life. I don’t blame my step-father for using corporal punishment. I don’t blame my mom for choosing to marry my step-father. I don’t blame my biological father for choosing to go back for a second tour of duty in Vietnam from which he never returned. I don’t even blame myself for all the trespasses I have committed.

When there is no one left to blame, we can only love. Love everyone. Love everything. I hope this new path helps me do “in the vibrancy of what aloha is” and heals the planet.

Who are some of your influential spiritual teachers? What realizations have shaped your life?

 

 

Peace is Every Child

7-year-old Fox wanted a history book for his daily reading, so I let him loose in my bookshelves. First, he grabbed my Bible.

“Is this a history book?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s a kind of history book,” I replied.

“Can I have it?” he asked thumbing the vinyl cover.

“Of course,” I said.

Then he grabbed A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches of Martin Luther King Jr., but it had too many big words for him.

“Here is a history about a Vietnamese monk,” I said handing him Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Reading the editor’s introduction, Fox stopped after reading this poem:

Peace is every step.

The Shining red sun is my heart.

Each flower smiles with me.

How green, how fresh all that grows.

How cool the wind blows.

Peace is every step.

It turns the endless path to joy.

“Daddy, can I write this poem out?” asked Fox with wide open eyes.

“Sure,” I said thrilled because his penmanship needed work.

Fox carefully wrote out each line. He smiled when he wrote “each flower smiles with me.” I was stoked that he was learning to spell smile, peace, and heart. At the end he wrote “Love, Fox.”

“Can you make copies?” he said as he handed me the hand written poem.

I gave him two copies. On one he wrote, “Merry Christmas. Thank you. To Mrs. Kraemer and Mrs. Grant” [his second grade teachers].

I almost cried. What a wonderful gesture. I am so grateful that he resonated with Thich Nhat Hanh, even though he had trouble reading the name. When I told a friend the story, he asked, “Who is the teacher and who is the student?”

What poem would you have a child copy?

Poor Students or Poor System

Both my sons got their first semester report cards last week. They are only in the 5th and 2nd grade, so I don’t pay too much attention to these evaluations.

Unfortunately, both boys are below grade level. Fox, the younger son, had more minus signs than average or plus signs. Jett, the older one, had more 2s than 3s or 4s. A 2 means “developing,” while a 3 means “proficient.”

I take responsibility for these low marks. I want my sons to have fun while they are kids. We don’t stress too much over homework. We spend more time outdoors than in the library.

In the comments, both my sons’ teachers used the word “struggling.” I’m still not too concerned because I was a teacher, and I know when the time comes, I can easily bring them up to par.

Another word that both teachers used was “kind.” “Jett is very kind to his fellow classmates.” “Fox is a kind, considerate, and curious student, well liked by everyone.”

At first I was upset that my sons were so far behind in school, but upon further reflection, I was grateful that they are both kind boys.

I’ve always said that I would rather my sons be kind and compassionate than smart, academic, athletic, or “successful.” I was a very smart kid. I graduated magna cum laude and did well in graduate school. I landed a cushy job as and was making more money than I could shake a stick at. But I was not kind. And my lack of compassion poisoned all of my accomplishments.

In the span of three years, I was unemployed, on the verge of divorce, and diagnosed with cancer. I had to learn the hard way that “compassion protects you more than guns, bombs, or money.” (Thich Nhat Hahn)

I have no idea how my sons will perform in school at the higher levels, but I do know that armed with kindness and compassion it won’t really matter where they land in the world. They will be OK.

What would you like to score high in on the report card of life?

Cultivating Compassion One Breath at a Time

Watching men in high positions fall like autumn leaves has inspired me to start a daily compassion practice. I have no doubt that if these men had more compassion and empathy, they would not assault women. I don’t want my sons to become highly “successful” only to fall from grace from a lack of compassion.

Dacher Keltner at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center discovered that there isn’t a universal look of compassion, but there is a universal sound of compassion. People around the world make the same sound when they sympathize with the suffering of others—“Aaawwwwhhhhh.:

Moreover, modern research reveals that making this sound stimulates the vagus nerve which lowers inflammation in the body and leads to more pro-social behavior. The vagus nerve runs from most of the major organs in the body to the brain stem. It also runs through the vocal chords and the inner ear.

Making the “aaawwwhhh” sound stimulates the larynx and the inner ear and, thus, the vagus nerve. In addition, Stephen Porges found that when our exhale is longer than our inhale, we also stimulate the vagus nerve and feel more connected with other.

So I am setting a goal of saying “aaawwwwhhh” as many times a day as possible. When I am stuck in traffic, I say “aaawwwhhh.” When my sons start to whine about how they only get to play 2 hours of video games, I reply, “aaaawwwhhh.” Every time I hear a news story about men committing heartless acts, I say, “aaawwwhhhh” for them, for myself, for men in general, and for the victims.

When my aunties in Hawaii would see someone do something harmful, they would make the universal sound of compassion and say, “poor ting.” They felt sorry for individuals who were so disconnected with aloha (love) that they felt the need to cause conflict with others. In essence, my aunties were saying, “Awwwhhhh, poor thing has no aloha.”

Every time I make the universal sound of compassion, I feel warm vibrations resonate through my body. I feel grateful to connect with others through suffering. Everyone becomes my family regardless of what they look like or what they have done.

So grateful for this simple practice.

What daily practices do you do to connect with others?

My Life as a Dog

My 7-year-old son believes in reincarnation, so I asked him what he would like to come back as in his next life.

“Probably a dog,”  he said nonchalantly. “Or Santa Claus.”

After a bit of contemplation, I realized how wise this response was. We often think that humans are at the top of the reincarnation ladder, but this isn’t necessarily true. Dog is God spelled backwards.

“If you can remain perfectly calm in traffic…

If you see others succeed without a tinge of jealousy,

If you can love everyone around you unconditionally,

If you can always be cheerful just where you are,

You are probably…

A Dog!”

I’m starting to think that dogs are far more enlightened than even high-vibration spiritual masters. Our two Shi Tzus are definitely the two most compassionate and equanimous members of our household.

When my sons are crying, both my dogs will start to moan and howl in unison with the cries. When I had a tumor, Skye and Jax would come lie on my belly when I was sleeping. They could sense my pain and would just be with me.

These dogs spend most of their day sitting in silence. One could argue that they meditate over 5 hours a day. They always welcome me with open paws when I return after a long day and never seem to hold any grudges, even when I forget to feed them.

I think my son was intuitively sensing into a higher consciousness. Even his answer about Santa Claus can be seen as refined.

Santa Clause spreads joy and gives generously without any expectation of getting anything in return. If he was a Buddhist, he would be what we call a Bodhisattva—a being that compassionately refrains from enlightenment in order to save others. Was my son saying that he wants to come back as a Bodhisattva?

A dog or a Bodhisattva, those are two noble intentions. Amazing how simple and wise young children can be.

What would you come back as in your next life if you had the opportunity?

 

 

 

 

Aloha Healing 12/17/2015

 

 

‘Ole Kû Lua
Makali’i 17

 I have been getting Healing Touch treatments at Stanford Cancer Center every Monday. A volunteer named Beth Orlando gives me an hour energetic healing that is very similar to reiki.

After almost every one of these sessions, I have had some pretty consistent bleeding.

     I have a feeling that these sessions are moving energy that is causing my body to reject the tumor which leads to bleeding.

     I am so grateful to Beth for her self-less service and for Stanford Cancer Center for offering an alternative treatment like Healing Touch for free. Beth tells me that Stanford has a whole training program for volunteers interested in healing touch.

     Great to see an allopathic, well-known medical center like Stanford implementing alternative treatments as a part of their healing protocol.

Diet

     I’ve been eating quite a bit of legumes and cooked vegetables lately since the weather has been so cold. Somehow a cold salad just doesn’t feel right when it is 40 degrees outside.

     One of my favorite meals is a copy-cat of the Chipotle salad complete with grilled red and green peppers and onions, guacamole, black beans, and honey vinaigrette.

    I’ve also been adding pomegranate to my morning vegetable juice. It adds a tangy sweetness and is supposedly good for breaking down tumors.

Exercise

     It has been harder and harder to get outside to do my Aloha movements since there is frost on the rooftops most mornings. I am sleeping longer, perhaps in a semi-hibernation mode.

Relationships

     I had an amazing men’s group where the other members helped me see how I’m still angry/sad about Thanksgiving. It boils down to being hurt that my family isn’t supporting me in ways I expected.

      At one point, I realized that most people aren’t well versed or practicing holding space for others. Our men’s group practices non-judgmental, empathic, compassionate listening every other week. To expect that from my family is asking a lot.

 

I am so grateful for the men’s group, Awakin Circles, Service Space, and this blog for all the empathy, compassion, connection, and love they [You all} generously offer.

Spirituality

Woke up the other morning and told 5 year old Fox that I had to go do my prayers.

“Why can’t I do the prayers with you,” asked Fox.

At first, I thought it was too cold to take him outside, but then I decided to just do the prayers indoors with him.

We stood in front of the Christmas tree and did the whole set of prayers in unison including Hawaiian chants, St. Francis prayer, Ho’oponopono prayers, and the Aloha chant.

It was adorable to watch Fox sing “Ua mau ke ea o ka ‘âina I ka pono” while bowing.

At Awakin Circle last night, Harshida Aunty shared that sometimes she feels she should go outside to be in the beauty of nature. Then she will look out a window and see a butterfly.

“Beauty is everywhere,” said Harshida with a smile.

It felt so refreshing and powerful to do prayers indoors with a 5 year old child.

________

At the same Awakin Circle, Birju shared how he spoke to an indigenous elder who was at the Paris Climate Change talks. The elder said that the only thing that is going to fix climate change is love. Modern man (I specify gender intentionally here) has lost touch with loving the land.

In Hawaii, they live “Aloha ‘Āina” which means love of the land. The indigenous elder reminds me of Auntie Pîlahi Pâkî standing in front of the 1970 governor’s conference saying, “…in the next millennium the world will turn to Hawai’i in its search for world peace because Hawai’i has the key…and that key is Aloha.”

I also thought about those Hawaiian protesters who are picketing the construction of the 10 meter telescope on Mauna Kea. They chant, “Ku Kia’i Mauna” which roughly translates to “stand guard of the mountain.”

A Native American elder once told me, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.”

The message is clear. Start loving the earth, land, gia at all costs.

Kūkae (BM)

12/2 Wednesday

7:30 AM BS small BM

8:30 AM BS Large BM

3:30 PM BS small BM

5:45 PM BS

6:30 PM BS

12/3 Thursday

2 AM BS lots

7 AM BS lots BM med

9 AM Med BM Small BS

6 PM BS small BM

8 PM BS lots Med BM

10:40 PM BS

12/4 Friday
6:40 AM BS

8:30 AM BS Med BM

12 PM BS small BM

6 PM BS small BM

9 AM BS

10 AM BS

12/5 Saturday

6:30 AM Large BM little BS

8 AM Large BM

1 PM BS

3:30 pm bs

10 pm bs

12/6 Sunday

7 AM BS

9 AM XLRG BM Little BS

12 PM Small BM brown wet

2 PM tiny BS

8 PM little BS brown

9:30 PM Lots of BS

12/7 Monday

2 AM Lots BS

6:30 AM BS

7 AM BS

8:30 AM Med BM BS

11 AM Lrg BM

3 PM BS small BM after healing touch

7 PM lots of BS

8 PM BS

9 PM BS

11 PM Lots BS

12/8 Tuesday

3:30 AM BS

7 AM BS

8 AM BS med BM

8:40 AM Med BM

3:20 PM BS small BM

7:30 PM Lots of BS

10 PM BS

11 PM BS

12/9 Wednesday

3:30 AM BS

7 AM BS small BM

8:30 AM Lrg BM

3 PM tiny BS

7 PM BS

10:30 PM BS

11:30 PM BS

12/10 Thursday

7 AM BS med BM

9:30 AM Huge BM tiny BS

5 PM BS

7:30 PM BS

9:30 PM BS

12/11 Friday

2 AM BS

6 AM BS

7:30 AM BS

8:30 AM Large BM little B

12 PM Large BM

4 PM Large BM

7 PM BS

12/12 Saturday

3:30 AM BS

7 AM tiny BS

9 AM small BM tiny BS

11:30 AM Small BM little B

12/13 Sunday

12 AM BS

2:30 AM BS

7:30 AM BS

9:30 AM Large BM

1:30 PM small brown S

7:30 PM BS med BM

12/14 Monday

12 AM S+little B

5 AM S+little B

7 AM S+little B+XL BM

11:30 AM BS small BM

6 PM tiny S

7 PM BS small BM

9:30 PM BS small BM

12/15 Tuesday

1 AM BS

7 AM small BM

9 AM Large BM little B

4:30 PM Med BM BS

5 PM BS

7 PM BS

9 PM BS

11 PM BS

12/16 Wednesday

1:30 AM BS

6:30 AM BS small BM

9 AM BS

12 PM BS

5 PM  BS

6 PM BS

11 PM BS

1 AM BS

8 AM BS

8:30 AM BS med BM

9:30 AM Med BM

12 PM Med BM

Aloha Healings 11/18/2015

 ‘Ole Kû Kolu
Welehu 18

We took the boys to the beach the other weekend. Beautiful, warm fall day with no crowds. While watching the surfers, thoughts of jealousy arose. “I could have surfed that wave better.” “Why are claiming that wave, you didn’t do anything?”

I realized that these thoughts were spoiling a beautiful day with my family. Just then, I saw my youngest son running up the beach away from a breaking wave, screaming his lungs out with joy. I couldn’t help but smile.

I decided to step into sympathetic joy with everyone and everything around me. I felt the freedom and thrill of the seagulls skimming the water. I experienced the beginner’s mind of surfers learning how to stand up and turn their longboards. Suddenly, everything became a launching pad for joy and excitement.

Later, I made an intention to only have two responses to any interaction with another sentient being–sympathetic joy or compassion.

I have been practicing this new form of relationship with others for over a week now, and I am amazed at how wonderful, peaceful, and intimate life has become. When someone is rude to me, I step into compassion for their suffering. When someone is overjoyed, I share their jubilation. I can’t think of a better way to go through life.

I noticed that our shitzu, Skye, lives life like this. When one of my sons is crying or whining, Skye howls sympathetically. When we are laughing or excited, Skye barks or runs around in circles feeding off our joy.

Skye reminds me of a poem that has been circulating around mindfulness circles:

If you can sit quietly after difficult news…

If in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm…

If you see your neighbors travel to favorite places without a tinge of jealousy…

If you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate…

If you can love everyone around you unconditionally…

If you can always find contentment just where you are…

You are probably..

A dog.

Diet

Been really enjoying the combinations of veggies that I have been experimenting with. I bought some sauerkraut and made some veggie fajita and sauerkraut sushi the other day. I also made some yummy kale, red pepper, and black bean quinoa that I wrapped in lettuce leaves.

Exercise

Everyday I seem to be getting stronger and stronger. In my morning movements I do a kind of chair pose called “punahou” (young spring). I have been holding this pose longer and longer every week.

A friend gave me a hug over the weekend and said that even though I haven’t gained any weight, my body has a different “texture.” He said that when I first started the juicing, fasting, and eating an all-vegetable diet, he got frightened when he hugged me because I was so skinny and frail. Now he feels strength and health when he hugs me.

Relationships

Practicing mudita (sympathetic joy) and karunâ (compassion) has done wonder for all my relationships. Even while listening to the breaking reports about the terrorist attacks in Paris, all I could feel was compassion for both the victims and the attackers.

Spirituality

Had an interesting moment when I saw lots of tiny stars all around while sitting in the break room at work. My father-in-law said that is what chi looks like, but I’ve never experienced it indoors before.

Kūkae (BM)

11/7

7:30 AM Extra large BM (maybe biggest ever) BS

11 AM Med/Small BM

4:30 PM Small BM BS brown

6 PM BS

8 PM small BM BS

11/8

12 AM tiny BS

6:30 AM BS

9:10 AM Small BM BS

10 AM Tiny BS

12 PM Tiny BS

6:30 PM BS

8 PM BS Small BM

9 PM BS

11/9

1 AM BS

6:30 PM BS Small BM

8 AM Large BM BS

10 AM Large BM little B

1 PM Med BM BS

5 PM BS

6 PM BS

11/10

6:30 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

7:30 AM Large BM BS

9 AM Large BM

2:20 PM Blood

6:30 PM BS

7:30 PM Blood and Sediment.with small BM

11/11

Lost data card

11/12

6 AM BS Large BM

8:30 AM Watery small BM

6 PM BS

9:00 PM BS

11/13

7 AM Tiny BS Med/Lrg BM

8:40 AM BS brown

9:30 AM BS brown

4 PM BS

7 PM BS

11/14

8:40 AM Med BM

1 PM Med BM

6 PM small BM BS

8 PM BS

9:30 PM BS

11/15

6:30 AM BS Small BM

7:30 AM BS Small BM

5:20 PM BS

9:30 PM BS Small BM

11/16

6 AM tiny BS Med BM

8 AM Lrg BM

10:11 AM Med BM

12:45 PM Med/Lrg BM tiny B

2 PM Small BM

3:30 PM Small/Med BM

7 PM BS

10 PM BS

11 PM BS

11/17

1 AM BS

6:15 AM BS

7:15 AM BS Large BM

9:10 AM Small/Med BM Little BS

6:30 PM BS

7:30 PM BS

8:30 PM BS

10 PM BS

11/18

3:30 AM BS

6:30 AM Tiny BS Large BM

7 AM Large BM

8:30 AM Small BM

9 AM Sm/Med BM

9:40 AM Small BM

3:20 PM tiny tiny sediment

8 PM BS

9 PM BS

Aloha Healings 10/20/2015

 `Ole Kū Kolu
‘Ikuwâ 20

After a long conversation with a family member, I realized how much of a burden I have been on my family. From the loss of my job to embracing gift ecology to the cancer diagnosis, I have been a financial and emotional albatross for many of my loved ones.

I used to get upset with others when they treated me in ways that I perceived as insensitive. “Don’t you know that I have cancer?” I would think or say under my breath. Now I see that I have drained the emotional gas tanks of many of those around me. I am trying to deepen into my practice of akahai–kindness or dealing with others as if I were wearing white gloves, so I don’t stain, damage, or hurt them.

I have even had the thought that it would be better for everyone if I just died. I have a fairly large life insurance policy and all those who are anxious about my alternative treatments would be able to relax and say, “I told him to get the chemo, radiation, and surgery.” I know this is literally a “deadly thought,” but it has arisen.

The flip side is that I need to live a long life to make up for all the heartache and pain I have caused.

I also think about all the people I have met since my unemployment. For them, I have been a positive influence. I have continued to find the silver lining even in very dark skies.

I guess the lesson is that we don’t have any control over others feelings and emotions. We can only shine our light as authentically as possible. Some will react to this light as a threat, while others will see it as an invitation. Some may blame you for their stress or distress. Others may thank you for their joy and happiness. I constantly remind myself of the Ho`oponopono teaching that I am 100% responsible for whatever arises in my life.

The Ho`oponopono prayer covers all of the thoughts above: “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” Those four statements clear all relational trespasses and forge bridges of lōkahi–unity, connectedness, unbrokenness. I guess I’m being asked to deepen into this prayer. I’m also reminded of what the angels told me during my Reiki session with Giovanni: “Don’t give up; you know better.”

Diet

Got off the turtle soup. Funny story–the night before I started drinking the soup, my sons were watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. In the movie, the bad guys are after the turtles to extract their blood which has powerful healing properties. I saw this as a sign, so I started drinking the soft-shell turtle soup.

After 2 days of profuse bleeding, I decided to stop. I realized that the real message was NOT to eat the turtles even if they have healing properties. My qigong master told me that the reason why I couldn’t just get soft-shell turtle powder at the herb store is because due to the rising economy in China, there is a shortage of soft-shell turtles. So the herb sellers are collecting the shells of turtles that have already been eaten to make the medicine. Seems to me that soft-shell turtles are heading for extinction, so I’m not going to participate in this slaughter, even if it means that I have to forgo the powerful medicinal properties.

Without the turtle, I have been pretty much raw, except for my morning oatmeal. I have also started drinking water from young coconuts. I also eat some of the meat from the coconut.

Exercise

After the fatigue from the turtles, I started my morning prayers and movements again. I’m finding deep healing in both the movements and the vibrations of the prayers.

Did 5 minutes of straight laughing with my men’s group last night. It felt great. Laughter is great medicine.

Relationships

As you can see above, I’ve been trying to empathize with those around me. It is a fine line to empathize while taking full responsibility of everything that arises in my field. The key seems to be not taking on the emotional baggage of others while trying to serve them.

Spirituality

Went to a memorial service for Trude Bock, the woman I used to do hospice care for. On the morning she passed, I decided to learn a Hawaiian chant called “E ala E.” Part of me felt like I should be spending quality time with Trude, but the night before I talked to another care giver and we agreed that Trude could live another year.

When I heard that she passed an hour after I left, I felt guilty  that I had not attended to her more that morning. But the Hawaiian prayer seemed almost God-sent: “Rise up/Awaken. The sun in the east. From the ocean, the deep ocean. Climbing to  heaven, the highest heaven. In the east, there is the sun. Arise/Awaken.” I chanted the prayer at Trude’s burial.

After the memorial service, I hopped in my car and the first song that came on was Kaukahi’s “E ala E”–a musical version of the prayer. It felt like Trude was talking to me or hugging me.

Also at the memorial service, I reconnected with another caretaker named Benedicta. When I told her about my diagnosis, she said to look at ways I haven’t forgiven myself. I sense there is something powerful there, but I’m not sure what I’m still holding against myself.

Kūkae (BM)

I seem to be alternating between days of cleansing out my colon and smaller BM days that consist of blood and sediment.

10/15

7 AM Blood and sediment

8 AM Medium BM w/blood

9:10 AM Large BM w/little blood

4 PM Sediment and blood with small BM

7 PM Small BM lots of blood

8 PM Blood and sediment

10/16

7 AM Blood and lots of sediment

8 AM Large/medium BM w/blood

11 AM Large BM w/little to no blood

4 PM Small BM w/blood

10/17

7 AM Blood and sediment

10 AM small BM

1:30 PM Blood and sediment

5:20 PM Blood and sediment

8:30 PM Blood and sediment

10/18

2:30 AM Blood and sediment

7:44 AM Tiny Blood and sediment

8:10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

6 PM Blood and sediment

10/19

7:10 AM Blood and sediment with large BM

9:30 AM Huge BM with no blood

10/20

6:30 AM Blood and sediment

8:10 AM Medium BM Blood and sediment

8:40 AM Medium BM little blood

3 PM Sediment

9:45 PM lots of Blood and sediment

Aloha Healing 10/4/2015

‘Ole Kû Pau
Māhoe Hope 4

Had “The Talk” with my mom this morning. And it was…beautiful.

At one point I asked her how she could let her child get beaten in front of her eyes.

She said that she sometimes tried to pull my step-father off of me, but he would shove her away. She also shared that she would often cry afterwards or blame herself for what happened because she had said something that caused the beatings.

When I heard these confessions, I remembered times when my mom was crying after I got beaten. I also vaguely remember her trying to pull my step-father off of me.

She also said that she would try to talk to my step-father afterwards and tell him that it was too much, but he wouldn’t listen. She even told him that he needed anger management work, but he said that she didn’t know what she was talking about.

It felt good to know that my mother was trying to help me. I thanked her and told her that I loved her.

Later in the evening, in a healing session with Roma Hammel, I told Roma about the talk with my mother. She stopped me mid-sentence and said, “Where are you in your body right now?”

I was no where to be found–all mind, all talk. She then lead me back into my body to “restore to life” that inner child that had learned to dissociate in order to protect himself. I was trying to resuscitate him, but I wasn’t present enough in my own body to blow life back into him.

Roma asked me about when I felt most alive. I told her about a wave I caught while in college at UCSB. It was a huge day at Campus Point, and I pulled into a gaping barreling right. I was so far back in the tube that I instinctually reached my right hand forward which shifted the weight on my surfboard. The foam ball inside the tube came up under my board and shoved me out of the barreling wave.

After I told this story in the present tense as if it was happening right now, my whole body was buzzing with excitement, adrenaline, and aliveness.

“That is the way I want you to bring that young child back to life,” Roma said. “Just like that wave, I want you to shove him gently back into embodiment.”

We went and found the inner child again, and I breathed strong breaths into his body. I pulled him to my heart and let him feel my love.

When he came back to life, we let him vent his anger: “Stop. Never again! Don’t touch me,” we screamed.

Then I cradled him again and told him how I would protect him and never leave him. How I loved him: “Thank you for all the love and joy you bring into my life,” I whispered.

At a certain point that child that I was cradling became me. Roma asked if I wanted to lay on the floor. So I laid down in the fetal position. She covered me with blankets and stroked my back, legs, and hair. After sometime, she left the room, “You can stay here as long as you want, even hours.”

I lay there reliving so many amazing experiences in my life. It felt like I was sharing these experiences with that child who had missed out because he was numb or asleep. After about 45 minutes, I opened my eyes and the whole room looked different. I saw colors and shapes I had never seen before, even though I had been in this room dozens of times. My body felt different as well.

Roma came back and asked me to tell me my name, “Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I said.

“Say it like the warrior that you are,” Roma replied.

“Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I roared.

“Yes, embody that gentle warrior. Be fully present and substantive to who you are,” she said.

“What is up for you now?” Roma asked.

When I told her how i was going to continue blogging and sharing this dis-ease to help and heal others, she said, “You are contracting again. Do you feel that? We tend to revert back to our old habits. Fully inhabit who you are.”

I was reminded of an experience I had at the healing ceremony with Michael. Michael asked if anyone wanted to share a prayer, so I started chanting a Hawaiian oli–E ala E. On the second time through, I felt the presence of powerful ancestors behind me chanting through my body and mouth.

After the ceremony, everyone shared that how much power they felt when I invoked Hawaiian spirits into the space.

What I am realizing is that I need to embody those ‘aumakua, as well as the ‘unihipili (child/unconscious spirit in Morrnah Simeona’s ho’oponopono practice) at all times.

Like the sun, I must shine brightly no matter how dark the clouds. The oli, E ala e, is actually a sunrise prayer that means “Arise! Awaken!”

So grateful for all the Light, Love, and Wisdom I was shone today.

When I was leaving my mom’s house, she said, “Well, I hope everything turns out ok.”

“It already has, mom,” I said truthfully.

Diet

Raw foods and juices with oatmeal. I’m really enjoying the flax seed crackers I dehydrated.

Exercise

Did morning prayers before heading to my mom’s. While saying the St. Francis prayer, I couldn’t remember the third line, even though I say this prayer every day.

Finally it dawned on me walking back to my car, “Lord make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon.”

This reminded me of why I was going to my mom’s house.

Later in the afternoon, I took a nap then swam 7 laps in the pool. In the peak of summer I was swimming 10 laps, so I feel pretty good about doing 7 today.

Relationships

So much love and connection with my mom and my younger self. I feel loved and loving.

Spirituality

I’m learning to balance compassion with power and presence. I want to continue emitting Light and Love through each and every cell in my body. Embodied awakening is a moment by moment practice.

Kūkae (BM)

7:30 AM small sediment and a little blood followed by large “hot” BM with no blood

1:40 PM liquidy BM with blood

5:00 PM small BM with blood

6:40 PM small BM, mostly blood

The blood came back today, but not nearly as much or as frequent as before. Staying patient and observant. I’m kind of curious what each day brings.