Had an amazing healing session with Roma Hammel today.
Roma is an expert of embodied realization. She has trained with Judith Blackstone who put Roma in charge of her Esalen retreat.
Roma has always noticed how I like to lift out of my body. When she guided me to open my heart chakra, I felt the light immediately go to the tops of my hands and my head like a halo. Roma asked me what emotion I felt when I lifted out my body. I used to think that I just wanted to ascend to higher consciousness, but I realized that this movement stemmed from fear, to feeling unsafe. I just wanted to escape.
I became conscious of how I often ignore my lower body and backside. Roma must have sense this as well because she told me to inhabit my feet as if my head or mind dropped down into my feet. We sensed into all parts of each foot–the toes, the outer and inner edge, the heel, and the arch. I noticed that my left heel was a bit numb and raised which brought back the memory of stepping on wana (sea urchin) when I was a kid in Hawaii. My grandfather told my brother and cousin to pee in a bucket that I would stick my foot in. It was a painful, traumatic, and embarrassing experience. When I released this memory, my heel “came back to life.”
I then released memories of wearing restrictive shoes to correct my knees as a child. Every trauma I released brought more life into my feet. They felt more aware and sensitive. Joy also emanated from every cell in my feet.
Roma instructed me to move up the legs, focusing on keeping the weight underside. When we got to the okole (butt), I felt a tightening of my genitals. A memory of having the tentacle of a jelly fish get stuck in my swim trunks arose. When I was about nine, my whole genital area was stung by this trapped jelly fish.
I also had the memory of getting a really bad heat rash on my penis while in Hawaii. My grandmother would have to put hydrocortisone on my penis which felt soothing, but also awkward. My Hawaiian grandfather also took me to his doctor friend who gave me several injections of penicillin every week for the rash.
Releasing all these traumatic experiences helped me inhabit my genitals again. I felt them soften and grow, rather than tense and contract. I was aware that this area was close to my rectum where the tumor is supposed to be, so I started to relax the whole area, especially the perineum.
When I shared this with Roma, she gave me the adorable image of a naked baby lying on its back with its feet and knees in the air. “When the baby breaths, its perineum expands and contracts with each breath.” I ballooned my perineum as I breathed in and let it contract as I breathed out. It felt like I was nurturing this sensitive area like a little baby again.
As i loosened my perineum, a saying popped into my head: “tighten your sphincter.” We used to say this in surfing and snowboarding when confronted with fear. Fear in my genitals, perineum, and root chakra were making me tighten my sphincter which trapped in negative energy. It makes complete sense that I got a tumor in my rectum. Now I just have to relax my sphincter and let out all the kūkae (crap) from the past.
We moved around the pubic bone to the tail bone and the sacrum. When we got to the sacrum, I felt locked. Roma shared that my energy field contracted around the sacrum. She said that when our energy contracts we not only get locked up, but also open ourselves to other people’s emotions and energies. A few weeks earlier, Leyna said that I had a gap in my energetic field on my backside.
As I tried to re-invigorate the sacrum, it occurred to me that this is the area that my step father would whip me with a belt. The same fear and lack of safety feelings arose again. I breathed into the area and tried to reclaim them with warmth and love, but I kept feeling myself rising up out of my body, as If I was trying to escape the beatings.
Roma put her hands up and said firmly, “NO!” I followed suit, put my hands up, and yelled, “No!” over and over again. Finally, I screamed, “Stop!” with my hands up, as if I was saying stop the violence. I felt my sacrum loosen a little.
After working in this area for some time, Roma said that she wanted to try one more thing. She wanted to reprogram the ideal mother into my body. She asked me to describe my ideal mother.
Immediately the image of a mother cradling my head and stroking my forehead that I had experienced with Giovanni in Hawaii appeared. The ideal mother was saying, “my son, my son,” which brought back flashes of my friend Preeta sharing her experience in Rome with The Pieta. Tears flowed down my cheeks.
I told Roma that the ideal mother would be saying, “I love you, my son.” Thinking of Jesus and The Pieta, I said that she might say, “Although I can’t always protect you, I will always love you.”
Roma stopped me and said, “Jesus was a man. You were a child. I don’t think the ideal mother would say that. What would the ideal mother say?”
I put one hand up while still cradling with my other hand and yelled, “NO!”
“Yes,” Roma added. “Never again! If you lay one more finger on this child you will never see us again. Get out. Leave. Don’t you dare touch this child.”
“Like a mama bear,” I sobbed.
“Like a mama bear,” Roma said. “Feel the power of a mama bear.”
As I visualized the mama bear in the Disney documentary Bears that I had taken Fox to see earlier this year, I felt my sacrum releasing. I finally felt safe, loved, and cared for.
When I put my hands in prayer position to my forehead to thank Roma for this powerful healing, I felt waves of sadness pour out of me. It felt like an archetypal catharsis.
I shared with Roma that my step father used to beat my mother, but at one point she told him that if he ever hit her again, she would leave forever. He never hit her again.
“Why didn’t she do the same for me?” I asked. “She had the power, but she chose to let me continue to get beaten.”
“That is so wrong, Kozo. That is your mother’s karma. The ideal mother would never chose her own safety over that of her child,” Roma shared.
So grateful for Roma who gifted me these healing sessions. I also received surprise gifts from the Bock family. I did hospice care for Trudi Bock until she passed away this past spring. My dear friend Oliver Bock gave me a check for $500 today. His brother decided to give a gift to some of the caregivers.
Oliver also gave me a bag of Moringa powder that is suppose to cure everything. Amazing how the Universe provides exactly what we need, when we need it.
Had lunch with Oliver at Lyfe in Palo Alto. Had Red Thai Curry with tofu. Not exactly raw vegan, but I was being gentle with myself after the powerful healing in the morning.
My qigong master, Joe, who lives with Roma, really urged me to take the soft-shell turtle soup. Roma said that in 26 years she had seen Joe cure many people of cancer, including his own son who was given a few months to live. Joe worked together with an oncologist at Stanford to cure his son who has been cancer free since 2005.
I’m going to honor Joe’s expertise and persistence and take the soft shell turtle soup. He also said to soak the shells in vinegar over night, bake them until they are crispy the next day, and pound them into powder that I can consume everyday. I let everyone know how this works out.
Got a full 8 hours of sleep. Did prayers, but no movements this morning because I had to drop boys off at school and quickly get to Roma’s house.
I’m not sure if it was from the sleep or the moringa, but I had energy all day today.
I feel more at rest with my relationship with my mother. I still want to talk to her, but I feel like I can heal without her apology, explanation, or consent.
I’m grateful for all the angels, friends, and helpers who are sharing wisdom, generosity, and love with me everyday. So grateful.
I’m also realizing that cancer is a very small part of the healing that is going on. The tumor was actually just a catalyst for real spiritual healing that I needed to do in this lifetime. I tended to focus all my attention on this one popular dis-ease, but the truth is that it is just a very small bodily manifestation. The deeper wounds are spiritual, energetic, archetypal.
Again, lots of blood. I’m trying to stay sincerely curious without being judgmental.