Had “The Talk” with my mom this morning. And it was…beautiful.
At one point I asked her how she could let her child get beaten in front of her eyes.
She said that she sometimes tried to pull my step-father off of me, but he would shove her away. She also shared that she would often cry afterwards or blame herself for what happened because she had said something that caused the beatings.
When I heard these confessions, I remembered times when my mom was crying after I got beaten. I also vaguely remember her trying to pull my step-father off of me.
She also said that she would try to talk to my step-father afterwards and tell him that it was too much, but he wouldn’t listen. She even told him that he needed anger management work, but he said that she didn’t know what she was talking about.
It felt good to know that my mother was trying to help me. I thanked her and told her that I loved her.
Later in the evening, in a healing session with Roma Hammel, I told Roma about the talk with my mother. She stopped me mid-sentence and said, “Where are you in your body right now?”
I was no where to be found–all mind, all talk. She then lead me back into my body to “restore to life” that inner child that had learned to dissociate in order to protect himself. I was trying to resuscitate him, but I wasn’t present enough in my own body to blow life back into him.
Roma asked me about when I felt most alive. I told her about a wave I caught while in college at UCSB. It was a huge day at Campus Point, and I pulled into a gaping barreling right. I was so far back in the tube that I instinctually reached my right hand forward which shifted the weight on my surfboard. The foam ball inside the tube came up under my board and shoved me out of the barreling wave.
After I told this story in the present tense as if it was happening right now, my whole body was buzzing with excitement, adrenaline, and aliveness.
“That is the way I want you to bring that young child back to life,” Roma said. “Just like that wave, I want you to shove him gently back into embodiment.”
We went and found the inner child again, and I breathed strong breaths into his body. I pulled him to my heart and let him feel my love.
When he came back to life, we let him vent his anger: “Stop. Never again! Don’t touch me,” we screamed.
Then I cradled him again and told him how I would protect him and never leave him. How I loved him: “Thank you for all the love and joy you bring into my life,” I whispered.
At a certain point that child that I was cradling became me. Roma asked if I wanted to lay on the floor. So I laid down in the fetal position. She covered me with blankets and stroked my back, legs, and hair. After sometime, she left the room, “You can stay here as long as you want, even hours.”
I lay there reliving so many amazing experiences in my life. It felt like I was sharing these experiences with that child who had missed out because he was numb or asleep. After about 45 minutes, I opened my eyes and the whole room looked different. I saw colors and shapes I had never seen before, even though I had been in this room dozens of times. My body felt different as well.
Roma came back and asked me to tell me my name, “Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I said.
“Say it like the warrior that you are,” Roma replied.
“Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I roared.
“Yes, embody that gentle warrior. Be fully present and substantive to who you are,” she said.
“What is up for you now?” Roma asked.
When I told her how i was going to continue blogging and sharing this dis-ease to help and heal others, she said, “You are contracting again. Do you feel that? We tend to revert back to our old habits. Fully inhabit who you are.”
I was reminded of an experience I had at the healing ceremony with Michael. Michael asked if anyone wanted to share a prayer, so I started chanting a Hawaiian oli–E ala E. On the second time through, I felt the presence of powerful ancestors behind me chanting through my body and mouth.
After the ceremony, everyone shared that how much power they felt when I invoked Hawaiian spirits into the space.
What I am realizing is that I need to embody those ‘aumakua, as well as the ‘unihipili (child/unconscious spirit in Morrnah Simeona’s ho’oponopono practice) at all times.
Like the sun, I must shine brightly no matter how dark the clouds. The oli, E ala e, is actually a sunrise prayer that means “Arise! Awaken!”
So grateful for all the Light, Love, and Wisdom I was shone today.
When I was leaving my mom’s house, she said, “Well, I hope everything turns out ok.”
“It already has, mom,” I said truthfully.
Raw foods and juices with oatmeal. I’m really enjoying the flax seed crackers I dehydrated.
Did morning prayers before heading to my mom’s. While saying the St. Francis prayer, I couldn’t remember the third line, even though I say this prayer every day.
Finally it dawned on me walking back to my car, “Lord make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon.”
This reminded me of why I was going to my mom’s house.
Later in the afternoon, I took a nap then swam 7 laps in the pool. In the peak of summer I was swimming 10 laps, so I feel pretty good about doing 7 today.
So much love and connection with my mom and my younger self. I feel loved and loving.
I’m learning to balance compassion with power and presence. I want to continue emitting Light and Love through each and every cell in my body. Embodied awakening is a moment by moment practice.
7:30 AM small sediment and a little blood followed by large “hot” BM with no blood
1:40 PM liquidy BM with blood
5:00 PM small BM with blood
6:40 PM small BM, mostly blood
The blood came back today, but not nearly as much or as frequent as before. Staying patient and observant. I’m kind of curious what each day brings.