Aloha Healing 9/29/2015

waning moonLâ’au Kû Kahi
Māhoe Hope 29

Wow! Powerful day. I was invited to a healing ceremony by Michael Brabant. When I showed up in Oakland at 7:30 PM, I stepped into a whole new world.

Michael had rearranged his loft to create a healing container full of beauty, organization, spirit, and intention. The room was carefully arranged so each participant had a specific seat in the mandala. Everything was accounted for including sage, tissues, Blue Solar water bottles with matching blue glass goblets, an alter, and a healing mat.

Michael’s friend, Tylor brought a truck load of crystals that were carefully placed around the room, on the alter, on the healing mat, and in the four corners. The stone sitting in front of me looked like a salt water aquarium, When I peered into it, it went 3D with faces, animals, and clouds. Sitting next to the face-like stone were two long quartz “arms.” At one point in the ceremony, I felt like this arrangement became a living spirit with arms open wide to accept me just as I was.

The fourth participant was a kind-hearted and courageous woman named Simone. Around 8 PM we gathered around the alter and started the ceremony.

I can’t really describe what happened during the ceremony that ended around 1 AM, but let me just say that I experienced so many layers of healing that were far beyond the body. My diagnosed dis-ease was just a hiccup in the larger spiritual growth that I sensed into.

Healing rituals included prayer, natural medicine, Brazilian hymns, indigenous flute playing, Hawaiian Ho’oponopono, crystal energy work, a powerful sharing circle, and delicious high-vibration vegetarian food. At the end of the ceremony, Michael announced that he is gifting the entire ceremony to all of us. All the work, preparation, care, intention, time, food, and money to host this powerful healing were given freely: “When you heal, we all heal,” Michael said at one point in the ceremony.

The whole night, I was flooded with gratitude. During the ceremony, I felt so honored and privileged to be invited to this circle. As I lay on the healing mat while the others sang prayers in Portuguese above and around me, I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be at that moment. At multiple points in the night, I felt the profound presence of the Divine Mother, ‘Aumakua (ancestral spirits), healing angels, and life force (mana, chi, ki, prana) flowing in, around, and through me.

In the post ceremony meal, eating fresh guacamole with cucumber slices and organic Fuji apples, I calculated how priceless this experience was. So when Michael said it was freely given, it blew my mind and heart wide open. It made me realize that angels do exist and God is looking out for each and every one of us. I also felt the kuleana (responsibility) to give because I have been given so much.

If you ever get the chance to do a ceremony, a workshop, or a private session with Michael Brabant don’t hesitate for one second. It will change your life.

I’m not sure what the physical manifestations of this ceremony will be going forward, but it almost doesn’t matter. What matters is not matter. The peace, unity, love, community, hope, faith, compassion, and power I experienced last night helped me to see this cancer diagnosis as one of the greatest gifts i have ever received.

Diet

These are my daily treatments at this point in time:

  • Protandim first thing in the morning.
  • Chia Seed, flax meal, Moringa mixed with alkaline water
  • Apex nano-silver in the morning and evening
  • Fresh juiced kale, cucumber, carrot, beet, celery, and granny smith apple mixed with spirulina
  • a quart of Trader Joe’s organic carrot juice consumed throughout the day
  • Oatmeal with flax seed oil, walnuts, honey, and dates
  • Mangosteen juice in the morning and evening.
  • Cod Liver Oil for vitamin D3
  • mostly raw organic vegetarian food throughout the day
  • nuts for protein
  • about 3/4 gallon of 10.0 Kangen water throughout the day

Exercise

Took it easy today after the ceremony, but I felt a lot of energy. Wasn’t tired walking up stairs or running errands.

Relationships

So many relationships with the incarnate and disincarnate were nurtured today. I can’t even begin to understand or remember how much peace and unity I experienced with individuals and collectives today.

Spirituality

Delving deep into all the different doorways to spirit. Overall, I’m grateful to be alive in this manifestation at this present moment, right here, right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Kūkae (BM)

I kept a log of kûkae today. I’m using this to monitor my health, not for blog readers. 🙂

6:20 AM Little blood and sediment followed by large BM

9:40 AM Large BM with little to no blood

3:45 PM little blood with small BM

5:45 blood and sediment

1 AMish After ceremony I had a large amount of sediment pass with blood

Definitely noticing less blood, more regular bowel movements, and more sediment with not as much blood.

Aloha Healing 9/28/2015

full moonKulu
Māhoe Hope 28

Spent the day on the East Bay today. So many intersections. Here are a few highlights:

Motherly Love

First, I met with Sandy, a friend from Hawaii. A month ago, when Sandy heard about my diagnosis, she gifted me with $100 of Mangosteen juice. Today, I picked up a new supply from her.

We started talking about mothers and she shared a powerful story. One of her friends was a devoted mother. She did everything for her kids who are now in their twenties. In the last week, all three of her kids told her in their own way that she was not a good mother. She was shocked.

She told Sandy that she had not been loved as a child, so she made sure that her children knew that they were loved. Sandy observed that the love that she was giving to her children was the love that she never got. She was not loving her children how they wanted/needed to be loved, but instead how she wanted to be loved.

Equanimity

For lunch, I met with ServiceSpace friends at Cafe Gratitude. We were talking about 10 day meditation retreats, fears around money, and one of our dear friends who has Aplastic Anemia. One of the volunteers summed up the whole conversation with an insight about equanimity. She said that it is not about reaching a destination whether that be financial security, enlightenment, or a clean bill of health. Meditation helps us embrace whatever arises with equanimity. It’s not about changing outcomes; it is about changing our present moment reactions.

Moms Again

After lunch, I headed to my mom’s house. She and my step-father were busy planning a trip, so for the first half-hour I just sat on the couch while they ironed out the details. I wanted to talk to my mom alone, but she seemed to want to talk in front of my step-father. I asked her a few questions about when she was pregnant with me. She mentioned one story about my father that revealed a scarcity mentality. My mom said that one of the soldiers my father was in charge of had an expecting wife, but wanted to buy a set of encyclopedias. My father felt the need to explain to this soldier that he needed to save his money for diapers, baby food, etc.

While in Hawaii, my uncle told me that one thing my father told him before he died was that he was satisfied that he had provided enough financially for his sons in the event of his dying.

My father seemed really concerned with financial security. Interesting how this concern gets transferred onto me, especially now when I’m dealing with medical bills and a lack of a steady income.

I only got to talk to my mom for about 20 minutes, but I was grateful for that and left for dinner at my friend’s house.

Backing Into the Future

My friend Michael made some fresh organic vegetable juice, guacamole with cucumber slices, and baked brussels sprouts chips for dinner. After we chowed, he offered me a healing session with modern Tarot cards. He asked me to pick three cards: one each for the past, present, and future.

tarot cards

For the past I drew “Transformation,” which in the classic tarot card deck is the Death card. It talked about rebirth.

The present card was “Solitude” that stressed the need to spend time alone in meditation, prayer, and solace.

The future card was “Heartbreak and Loss” that emphasized the need to go through the darkest aspects of life to find the Light.

Michael read into these cards what I had been sensing for months now. First, my egoic mind would like these cards in the reverse order. In my mind, I have already been through heartbreak and loss with the loss of my career, broken relationships, and the diagnosis. In the present, I spend time in meditation and prayer which leads to a future full of transformation. What a great story!

The reverse order, however, paints a different picture. The future holds more shadow that I need to be aware of. Michael emphasized that the cancer was a very small part of my spiritual development. I had the idea that if I made peace in all my relationships that this cancer would cure itself. I was in a rush to heal all these relationships to try to get rid of the cancer as soon as possible.

I even had the thought that if I healed the cancer, I would be a well-known and sought after Jedi Master: “The circuit is now complete. Now I am the master.”

These cards humble me and make me realize that I have more cleaning/clearing to do. The solitude card reminds me to go slowly and take care of myself. The heartbreak & loss card keeps me looking for shadow and blind spots.

Like Michael says, without an agenda the true path becomes clear. I’ve been so focused on my agenda to heal the cancer that I’ve lost sight of the present moment. I’m like Sandy’s friend who raised her children with the agenda of healing her childhood. If I drop my agenda of getting rid of the tumor or becoming enlightened, then true guidance and spiritual growth will come. It all comes back to equanimity and being in agreement/alignment with whatever the present moment offers–not wishing ANYTHING to be different.

Diet

Great meal at Cafe Gratitude followed by nourishing juice made with love by Michael.

Exercise

Did morning prayers and exercises, although a shortened version, since I had an early appointment.

Relationships

What a day of relationships. Spent time with wise elders, ServiceSpace volunteers, my mother and step-father, and Michael Brabant–a powerful healer.

Spirituality

Learning to navigate with an agenda-less rudder.

Kūkae (BM)

I kept a log of kûkae today. I’m using this to monitor my health, not for blog readers. 🙂

7:30 AM blood followed by medium BM

8:30 AM Large BM with a little blood

11:00 AM Large BM with a little blood

7:00 PM lots of bloody sediment, although not a lot of blood

8:50 PM small sediment with very little blood

Every few days, I seem to clear out a lot of my colon in one day, followed by days with small BMs.

Aloha Healing 9/27/2015

full moonMāhealani
Māhoe Hope 27

Today is the blood moon eclipse and the closest the moon gets to earth for another 30 years. I felt heavy like gravity today. Not much lightness and a lot of bleeding. I’m interested to see what tomorrow brings.

Diet

Raw foods and oatmeal. Then for dinner succumbed to Chipotle salad. The manager said that everything I was getting was vegan. Did two rounds of juice and drank ginger/honey tea. I also started cod liver oil again after preparing a urine sample for testing.

Exercise

Woke up early, but fatigued, to do urine test. Then went to park to do prayers and movements. Walked half way back from park doing qigong walk. All in all, it took over an hour to do morning exercises.

I noticed while doing a shaking exercise that it felt very similar to jumping on a trampoline yesterday. Ancient cultures seemed to sense into the need to simulate the lymph nodes and immune system with this bouncing movement. In our modern culture, we don’t dance or move as much. Even the hokey pokey would be powerful practice if performed everyday.

Relationships

Spent powerful time with Jett and Fox. Also, connected with my cousin, Scott. He has very different views about treatment, but he seemed to see my perspective without necessary agreeing with it. I’m noticing that I don’t have micro-arguments anymore. If someone disagrees, so be it. We are still in the same canoe.

Spirituality

Had some vivid dreams again this morning. Not sure what they mean, but they feel real. The word for dream in Hawaiian is moe’uhane which literally means “sleep spirit.” I’m sensing that my spirit is trying to tell me something, but not sure what it is. This dream had to do with the end of a retreat/summer camp. My son Jett was there. I was saying goodbye to other familiar ServiceSpace participants, feeling tenderly connected, yet sad. The Brazilian term, saudade–“the love that remains after someone is gone”–came to mind.

One of the core members of ServiceSpace has been dealing with Aplastic Anemia. I feel so connected with this friend since our diagnosis came within weeks of each other. He is also pushing off conventional treatment in favor of alternative medicine. I have a feeling that our healing is connected with each other and the ‘âina (the land/that which sustains us). Saying St. Francis prayer this morning, I got the distinct message that I am to love, console, heal others first. “It is in giving that we receive; in pardoning that we are pardoned; in dying that we are born into eternal life.”

Kūkae (BM)

I kept a log of kûkae today. I’m using this to monitor my health, not for blog readers. 🙂

6:30 AM blood and small BM

9 AM small BM w/little blood

11:55 AM med to small BM w/little blood

2 PM Just blood

5:15 PM Small bloody BM

Aloha Healing 9/25/2015

waxing gibous 90Akua
Māhoe Hope 25

Had an amazing healing session with Roma Hammel today.

Roma is an expert of embodied realization. She has trained with Judith Blackstone who put Roma in charge of her Esalen retreat.

Roma has always noticed how I like to lift out of my body. When she guided me to open my heart chakra, I felt the light immediately go to the tops of my hands and my head like a halo. Roma asked me what emotion I felt when I lifted out my body. I used to think that I just wanted to ascend to higher consciousness, but I realized that this movement stemmed from fear, to feeling unsafe. I just wanted to escape.

I became conscious of how I often ignore my lower body and backside. Roma must have sense this as well because she told me to inhabit my feet as if my head or mind dropped down into my feet. We sensed into all parts of each foot–the toes, the outer and inner edge, the heel, and the arch. I noticed that my left heel was a bit numb and raised which brought back the memory of stepping on wana (sea urchin) when I was a kid in Hawaii. My grandfather told my brother and cousin to pee in a bucket that I would stick my foot in. It was a painful, traumatic, and embarrassing experience. When I released this memory, my heel “came back to life.”

I then released memories of wearing restrictive shoes to correct my knees as a child. Every trauma I released brought more life into my feet. They felt more aware and sensitive. Joy also emanated from every cell in my feet.

Roma instructed me to move up the legs, focusing on keeping the weight underside. When we got to the okole (butt), I felt a tightening of my genitals. A memory of having the tentacle of a jelly fish get stuck in my swim trunks arose. When I was about nine, my whole genital area was stung by this trapped jelly fish.

I also had the memory of getting a really bad heat rash on my penis while in Hawaii. My grandmother would have to put hydrocortisone on my penis which felt soothing, but also awkward. My Hawaiian grandfather also took me to his doctor friend who gave me several injections of penicillin every week for the rash.

Releasing all these traumatic experiences helped me inhabit my genitals again. I felt them soften and grow, rather than tense and contract. I was aware that this area was close to my rectum where the tumor is supposed to be, so I started to relax the whole area, especially the perineum.

babyWhen I shared this with Roma, she gave me the adorable image of a naked baby lying on its back with its feet and knees in the air. “When the baby breaths, its perineum expands and contracts with each breath.” I ballooned my perineum as I breathed in and let it contract as I breathed out. It felt like I was nurturing this sensitive area like a little baby again.

As i loosened my perineum, a saying popped into my head: “tighten your sphincter.” We used to say this in surfing and snowboarding when confronted with fear. Fear in my genitals, perineum, and root chakra were making me tighten my sphincter which trapped in negative energy. It makes complete sense that I got a tumor in my rectum. Now I just have to relax my sphincter and let out all the kūkae (crap) from the past.

We moved around the pubic bone to the tail bone and the sacrum. When we got to the sacrum, I felt locked. Roma shared that my energy field contracted around the sacrum. She said that when our energy contracts we not only get locked up, but also open ourselves to other people’s emotions and energies. A few weeks earlier, Leyna said that I had a gap in my energetic field on my backside.

As I tried to re-invigorate the sacrum, it occurred to me that this is the area that my step father would whip me with a belt. The same fear and lack of safety feelings arose again. I breathed into the area and tried to reclaim them with warmth and love, but I kept feeling myself rising up out of my body, as If I was trying to escape the beatings.

Roma put her hands up and said firmly, “NO!” I followed suit, put my hands up, and yelled, “No!” over and over again. Finally, I screamed, “Stop!” with my hands up, as if I was saying stop the violence. I felt my sacrum loosen a little.

After working in this area for some time, Roma said that she wanted to try one more thing. She wanted to reprogram the ideal mother into my body. She asked me to describe my ideal mother.

The PietaImmediately the image of a mother cradling my head and stroking my forehead that I had experienced with Giovanni in Hawaii appeared. The ideal mother was saying, “my son, my son,” which brought back flashes of my friend Preeta sharing her experience in Rome with The Pieta. Tears flowed down my cheeks.

I told Roma that the ideal mother would be saying, “I love you, my son.” Thinking of Jesus and The Pieta, I said that she might say, “Although I can’t always protect you, I will always love you.”

Roma stopped me and said, “Jesus was a man. You were a child. I don’t think the ideal mother would say that. What would the ideal mother say?”

I put one hand up while still cradling with my other hand and yelled, “NO!”

“Yes,” Roma added. “Never again! If you lay one more finger on this child you will never see us again. Get out. Leave. Don’t you dare touch this child.”

“Like a mama bear,” I sobbed.

“Like a mama bear,” Roma said. “Feel the power of a mama bear.”

As I visualized the mama bear in the Disney documentary Bears that I had taken Fox to see earlier this year, I felt my sacrum releasing. I finally felt safe, loved, and cared for.

When I put my hands in prayer position to my forehead to thank Roma for this powerful healing, I felt waves of sadness pour out of me. It felt like an archetypal catharsis.

I shared with Roma that my step father used to beat my mother, but at one point she told him that if he ever hit her again, she would leave forever. He never hit her again.

“Why didn’t she do the same for me?” I asked. “She had the power, but she chose to let me continue to get beaten.”

“That is so wrong, Kozo. That is your mother’s karma. The ideal mother would never chose her own safety over that of her child,” Roma shared.

So grateful for Roma who gifted me these healing sessions. I also received surprise gifts from the Bock family. I did hospice care for Trudi Bock until she passed away this past spring. My dear friend Oliver Bock gave me a check for $500 today. His brother decided to give a gift to some of the caregivers.

Oliver also gave me a bag of Moringa powder that is suppose to cure everything. Amazing how the Universe provides exactly what we need, when we need it.

Diet

Had lunch with Oliver at Lyfe in Palo Alto. Had Red Thai Curry with tofu. Not exactly raw vegan, but I was being gentle with myself after the powerful healing in the morning.

My qigong master, Joe, who lives with Roma, really urged me to take the soft-shell turtle soup. Roma said that in 26 years she had seen Joe cure many people of cancer, including his own son who was given a few months to live. Joe worked together with an oncologist at Stanford to cure his son who has been cancer free since 2005.

I’m going to honor Joe’s expertise and persistence and take the soft shell turtle soup. He also said to soak the shells in vinegar over night, bake them until they are crispy the next day, and pound them into powder that I can consume everyday. I let everyone know how this works out.

Exercise

Got a full 8 hours of sleep. Did prayers, but no movements this morning because I had to drop boys off at school and quickly get to Roma’s house.

I’m not sure if it was from the sleep or the moringa, but I had energy all day today.

Relationships

I feel more at rest with my relationship with my mother. I still want to talk to her, but I feel like I can heal without her apology, explanation, or consent.

Spirituality

I’m grateful for all the angels, friends, and helpers who are sharing wisdom, generosity, and love with me everyday. So grateful.

I’m also realizing that cancer is a very small part of the healing that is going on. The tumor was actually just a catalyst for real spiritual healing that I needed to do in this lifetime. I tended to focus all my attention on this one popular dis-ease, but the truth is that it is just a very small bodily manifestation. The deeper wounds are spiritual, energetic, archetypal.

Kūkae (BM)

Again, lots of blood. I’m trying to stay sincerely curious without being judgmental.

Cancer and Money 9/24/2015

waxing gibbousHua
Māhoe Hope 24

I’ve been sensing into something lately that I don’t quite have a grip on yet, but it feels important. These are my incipient thoughts.

Cancer is a rich person’s dis-ease. This statement has multiple access points.

First, I’m starting to believe Fred Ho, author of Diary of a Radical Cancer Warrior: Fighting Cancer and Capitalism at the Cellular Level that cancer and capitalism are inextricably linked: “Capitalism is the cancer for Mother Earth; cancer is the capitalist toxicity for the human individual.”

I had a similar vision when I chanted the Hawaii state motto: Ua mau ke ea o ka ‘âina i ka pono (the life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness). I saw cancer in my body as a reflection of not being in alignment with the land–that which sustains us. In a sense, I saw the Earth with rectal cancer–it had too much kûkae (crap) that it couldn’t clear and was suffering from too much heat in the body (global warming).

Now I’m realizing that not being pono (righteous) is closely linked with capitalism. When large corporations pollute the earth, the reason they aren’t pono is because they are trying to make money. Think how much lying, cheating, stealing, exploitation, violence, and abuse are the direct result of the coveting of money.

I would like to note that Fred Ho’s book was gifted to me by a dear friend who came to an Aloha Awakenings workshop. Rather than pay me with money, Brother Zilong chose other forms of capital–he shared wisdom, brotherhood, and community by giving me this book. In a way, his gift has been a powerful gesture in healing cancer and capitalism on a cellular level.

In the late stages of his war on cancer, Fred Ho’s conversion to a raw foods diet was not only a healthy shift away from a “rich” diet of animal based foods, but also a monkey wrench in the capitalist machinery that creates and profits from rich diets.I’m finding that a raw foods diet eliminates cravings for restaurants, junk foods, brand name products, and over-consumption. It also decreases my dependence on the huge capitalistic enterprise known as Western allopathic medicine.

In the documentary film Forks over Knives, Dr. T. Colin Campbell recounts how he discovered in the Philippines that the country’s wealthier children, who were consuming relatively high amounts of animal-based foods, were much more likely to get liver cancer. One of the things that triggered my cancer was vitamin D deficiency. Vitamin D deficiency can be seen as a class based disease–only those who could afford to stay indoors for work became deficient. In Asian countries like the Philippines, the whiteness of one’s skin defines beauty, class, and privilege. Dark skinned field workers are rarely deficient in Vitamin D. The combination of more time in the sun and less animal products seems to help lower classes resist cancer.

Another way cancer is a rich person’s disease is that it costs a lot to survive cancer. Within minutes of discovering the tumor in my rectum, the doctors were ordering biopsies, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests, and appointments with specialists. Many of these were not covered by insurance.

Two examples, 1) I had a one hour consultation with an oncologist which cost over $600. Insurance covered $100. 2) After the initial colonoscopy, the doctors ordered a sigmoidoscopy with ultrasound. While prepping for the procedure, I decided that I didn’t need an anesthetic which meant that I didn’t have to be monitored after the sigmoidoscopy and could leave without someone having to pick me up. When I got the bill back, the hospital still charged me $2000 for the gastrointestinal prep and $800 for the recovery room that I spent less than ten minutes in to get dressed.

Even alternative treatments for cancer can break your piggy bank. I’m using one called the Dirt Cheap Cancer Protocol. Some of the treatments in this protocol include eating six frozen lemons and drinking a quart of carrot juice a day. Buying six organic lemons and a quart of organic carrot juice everyday adds up to $180 per month. An organic foods diet also increases monthly food bills. Add to this the cost of supplements like Mangosteen ($145/month), Apex ($100/month), cod liver oil, organic sulfur, Beta Glucan, spirulina, wheatgrass, chia seeds, and flax seed oil. As you can see, it can cost a lot to heal.

Of course, one round of chemotherapy would set me back over $10,000. I don’t even want to think about the cost of surgery and radiation treatments. Fred Ho estimates that his financial obligation for his allopathic treatments exceeded $1,000,000. This explains the feeling I got while talking to the surgeon. It was like I was in a used car lot. “If you were my brother, I would advise you to get this surgery,” he said. “I really care about you, Mr. Hattori.” As he said this, I pictured the cartoon characters I’d seen as a child with dollar signs in their eyes.

What all this bookkeeping boils down to is that in order to heal the dis-ease in my body, I need to heal my relationship with money. I used to think that if I had a certain amount of money then I would free myself from financial worries. What cancer has taught me is that I need to get to the root of financial worries in order to live a healthy, happy life. The more I cut my ties with the capitalist matrix, the closer I get to the ‘âina (land which sustains us) and the more pono (righteous) I become. Participating and believing in a gift ecology deepens my healing and liberation from money and dis-ease. This is one of the most powerful cures for cancer I have found.

Diet

Had a tasty raw vegan pizza made of sunflower seed and wheat berry raw crust topped with macadamia nut spread, avocados, sprouts, cherry tomatoes, and Brazil nut Parmesan. Very tasty.

I’ve been impressed with the raw foods diet, although I have to figure out what to do when I don’t have time to do all the prep work.

Exercise

Woke up at 3:30 AM and started writing this article, so by the time 7:30 AM came along I was exhausted. No prayers or movements. Did some walking in the sunshine.

With only 4 hours of sleep I was exhausted later in the afternoon. Not sure how much of the fatigue is from the dis-ease and how much is from the lack of sleep.

Relationships

Deepened my relationships with my co-workers by gifting them with mac nuts and coconut water.

Spirituality

I feel like I was awoken at 3 AM to write about cancer and money. I’m happy that I got it down, so I can refer back to this topic in my healing journey. So grateful for whatever inspired me.

Kūkae (BM)

Lots of blood today. Maybe the amount of bleeding is not a good indicator of my progress. I realized that I sat in meditation for an hour then sat on a tile floor for another hour for circle sharing last night. Maybe the blood in my stool is from the strain of sitting on the floor for two hours.

Aloha Healing 9/23/2015

waxing gibbous

Môhalu
Māhoe Hope 23

On this fall equinox, I had everything purged out of my colon. Woke up multiple times in the night to use the lua (toilet), then had huge BMs all day long. Not sure what catalyzed this purging. Could have been the daikon rice I ate or the fact that I started drinking 10.5 ph kangen water.

Also, on this day of transitions, we pulled Jett and Fox out of the Chinese immersion school they were attending and put them in neighborhood elementary school. It was a tough change for everyone. We got into the immersion school through a lottery, so we were giving up our coveted space to attend a local public school.

Eight year old Jett grieved last night about the loss of his friends: “I will never see them again.” This morning we all walked onto the clean, bright campus and met friendly new teachers and administrators. Fox’s kindergarten teacher looked like a kindergarten teacher–all smiles and hugs.

When I entered Jett’s classroom, I knew we were at the right place. There was a large poster that read, “I don’t know yet!” This is the non-judgmental curiosity that I felt was being squeezed out of my sons at the other school. Both Jett and Fox like their new school, teachers, and friends. Jett had 10 minutes of homework to do–what a change! We also learned that they get twice as much P.E. here, as well as art and music classes.

I feel like we all released a lot of kūkae (crap) today. Feeling much lighter and peaceful now.

Diet

Made raw veggie fettuccine with parsnip noodles and macadamia nut cream sauce. Not bad. I’m also adding a quart of carrot juice per day to my diet/treatment. In addition, I plan to eat 6 frozen grated lemons per day. Serendipitously, my mom forwarded me an email about eating frozen lemons today after I decided that I was going to add this treatment to my daily diet.

Exercise

Woke up late since my sleep was interrupted so much last night, so I missed morning movements. After dropping the boys off, I walked around in the sunshine for half an hour before heading off to work.

Relationships

My relationship with the Cupertino Union School district feels more peaceful. I feel grateful that that Jett and Fox are in a school that prioritizes curiosity, happiness, and kindness.

the transfigurationSpirituality

Spent the whole time at Awakin Circle meditation visualizing a heavenly wailele (waterfall) penetrating my crown chakra and cleansing my entire body down to the bowels. I sensed into another image of a huge Divine waterfall cleansing all of humanity like Jesus in the transfiguration. It felt like grace.

The connections to baptism are obvious. I just need to open myself to grace that will cleanse this kūkae out of my being.

Having said that, I’m reminded of a Muslim saying: “Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.” I’m going to trust in grace, but also keep up with my veggie diet and treatments.

Kūkae (BM)

Amazed at how much I expelled today. A major portion of the BMs didn’t have blood, although still had blood/sediment both last night and during the day today.

Aloha Healing 9/22/2015

waxing Gibbous

Huna
Māhoe Hope 22

I appreciate all the love and comments I have been getting on this blog. I agree that I really need to delve into my relationship with my mother. I will write about this after I have a heart to heart with her–I promise.

I had a day that had little to no conflict in it. We are taking our sons out of a Chinese Language Immersion school and putting them into a normal elementary school. Jett was crying that he doesn’t want to leave his friends. I tried to be compassionate and let him feel his grief. We ended up getting to Beryl’s apartment late and she was not happy. I tried not to react and was able to drop the boys off without an argument.

It feels good to have an entire day without conflict. I’m even finding that I don’t get upset with drivers, litterbugs, and unscrupulous people. Someone stole Fox’s bike today, but I didn’t look down on the thief. I guess they needed the bike or the money more than we did.

Diet

Ate the veggie sushi and split pea soup leftovers today. For some reason, I had a lot of gas today. Not sure if it is the daikon or too much alkalinity in the body from all the alkaline water I have been drinking.

I realized today that besides Apex,Mangosteen, and psycho/spiritual practices, I’m not really doing any cancer treatments. Diet is not necessarily a cancer treatment. I need to start regularly applying powerful cancer treatments. I’m going to make an intention to start these treatments in the next week.

Exercise

Again, I did early morning prayers and movements. I’m feeling more flexibility in my hips and hamstrings. My body is very skinny, but tone. I did my exercises, dropped the boys off at school, worked 5 hours, and still had some energy in the afternoon.

Relationships

Like I said, not much conflict today. We’ll see how many days I can keep this up.

Spirituality

Been having some bizarre and vivid dreams lately. The funny thing is that my body doesn’t get involved. I used to have dreams about fighting or surfing, and my body would get all tense. I would even grind my teeth. The other night I had a dream about having to fight my high school friend to the death and I didn’t tense up at all. I ended up running away and jumping down a building into a prison, but I still didn’t get tense in the body.

Same thing goes for semi-erotic dreams. I have to say that my sex drive is really low. I don’t even wake up with morning wood. I’m not trying to be graphic, but I want to document any possible symptoms or reactions I’m having to this dis-ease and the treatments. Perhaps a low protein, sugarless diet is lowering my libido.

Kūkae (BM)

Just when i thought I was entering a pattern??? Today, I had a lot of bleeding and sediment throughout the day. I am aware that we are entering a new phase of the moon from ‘ole pau to huna. Not sure if that is a factor. Trying to be patient.

I also stopped taking the cod liver oil because I want to get a urine sample to do an assessment of my treatment and excess vitamin D messes with the test. I will get the sample on Thursday and get back on cod liver later that day.

Aloha Healing 9/21/2015

first quarter moon

‘Ole Pau
Māhoe Hope 21

Had a qigong session with a qigong master today. He wants me to start eating soft-shell turtle soup with herbs. Not sure if I am ready to consume animal product again, much less little soft shelled honu. We also did qigong walking. He suggests I do this walk 2 hours a day.

Had Men’s Group tonight which focused on relationships with mothers. I made an intention to go talk to my mom about my childhood. Part of me is afraid that I might hurt her feelings or make her sad, but as one of the members of the group pointed out, it is not a child’s role to take care of the parent–of course, as we age we do have a responsibility to take care of our parents, but as children we often take on that burden.

I’m really feeling into how this dis-ease has to do with feelings that I have not released around my mother and childhood. I still get triggered when my wife brings up my mother as an example of good parenting. I still picture her with her arms crossed, tapping her toe, while I plea with her to stop my step-father from beating me.

Diet

Made some delicious veggie sushi today including “veggie rice” made of chopped up daikon root. This meal gave me confidence that I can live with this raw veggie diet and enjoy myself.

Exercise

Did early morning prayers and movements to the sunrise. Felt good to start the day off with prayer and movement.

Relationships

Deepened my relationship with the men in the men’s group by talking about our relationships with our mothers. Surprising how similar we all are.

Spirituality

While talking about my biological mother, I also mentioned the Reiki experience in Hawaii where I felt cradled by the Divine Mother. It makes me realize that I am being nurtured just the way I want, just not by my biological mother. Reminds me of what an Akashic records reader told me, “Our spiritual family is far more satisfying than any relationship we will have in life.”

Kūkae (BM)

It seems I’m in a pattern of blood sediment in the morning, followed by normal BM all day, then blood at night. I actually slept through the whole night last night without having to go to the bathroom.

Aloha Healing 09/20/2015

waxing moon

‘Ole Kū Kolu
Māhoe Hope 19

My wife and I got in an argument about disciplining the boys this morning. She wanted more discipline, but I argued at what cost. She brought up my mother, and I said that is not a good example since she let her sons get beat for 12 years.

Then I totally lost it with my son Jett. I was yelling at him that if he didn’t get out of the house I would whip him. I told him how my step-father beat the crap out of us and if he didn’t behave i would do the same thing.

Last week, Alison reminded me of a famous Rumi poem:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

After I blew up at Jett, I felt all the cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my body. I felt guilty for losing my equanimity and peace of mind. I felt horrible for Jett who had to witness this explosion. So I went to the park to do some prayers and Aloha Awakening movements.

Recently, I have been getting lazy with Aloha Awakening movements. I’m still on Hawaii time, so I sleep through the sunrise and often skip the movements.

This reaction helps me to see that I still have cleaning to do. I can’t get lax.

I also sensed into the way in which this reaction is a clearing. Alison is right: what we resists persists. Rather than try not to have “bad” thoughts or emotions, I’m going to host every emotion and feeling that comes up then clean the house after they depart. Clean, clean, clean. Let them make their mess, then clean.

Morning prayers and movements are daily cleaning. After prayers and movements this morning, I felt lighter. I felt like I had shined the light on some darkness and opened a window to allow it to go its own way.

Diet

Ate the split pea soup again and avocados for lunch. I’m slowly working into raw foods recipes. Right now I’m dehydrating a raw onion bread.

Tomorrow I think I’ll make some raw veggie rice nori roles. 🙂

Exercise

After morning prayers and movements, I spent time with Jett. Got really tired in the afternoon, so I took a nap on the benches when I took him fishing. When we got back home, I was exhausted, so I took another nap with some deep REM sleep. Not sure why I’m so tired, but I need to honor this process.

Relationships

Lots of conflict today. Jett and I made up by going fishing. Sending my wife love in any way I can.

Spirituality

I’m still trying to hear what the right path is. Today was interesting because I was really tired, had a blow up with my son, and bled quite a bit. Not sure what that means in terms of my body, but I’m trying to stay patient and aware.

 Kūkae (BM)

Small sediment in the morning, followed by pretty normal BM in afternoon, but evening brought quite a bit of blood. Did an 11 ph enema again today with a lot of blood. I also couldn’t take too much water or hold it very long.

Part of me is sensing into the importance of the moon cycles on this process. Not sure what the correlation is yet, but I’m staying curious.

Aloha Healing 09/19/2015

moon waxing

‘Ole Kū Lua
Māhoe Hope 19

Had a powerful talk with my wife this morning. We talked about how I can’t always focus my attention on myself. Funny thing about cancer is that it can be a real ego trip. You start thinking about yourself all the time because your life is at stake.

I had to empathize with what my wife is going through. She explained how she has to prepare for a future without me because the alternative treatments that I have chosen aren’t backed by research.

Later in the morning, I listened to an Awakin Call with German Herrera who shared this powerful quotation: “Living in relationship makes you not be the center of the universe…suddenly more than you is the center of your small universe.”

photo

Then I took the boys to see a Nimo concert where he offered the this nugget of wisdom: “Plant seeds to trees whose shade you will never sit under.”

The messages are clear: focus on others, nurture relationships, be humble.

My wife also gave me some helpful advice. If I am feeling tired like I was yesterday, just cancel all plans and rest. Tell other parents that I am just too tired–they will understand. It is the same thing I teach in Aloha Awakenings–mālama kou kino (take care of your body). I always tend to squeeze everything I can into my days. The new perspective is to take care of my body first, then I will have more days to spend with my sons, friends, loved ones.

Diet

Made a yummy split pea soup that the boys really loved. I ate avacodos for lunch with sunflower seed pate and grains.

Drank a lot of kangen water as usual. Felt so much better today than I did yesterday.

Also, started taking Cod Liver Oil as a vitamin D supplement. One of the results of a blood test I did in October 2014 indicated that I was deficient in vitamin D. Some alternative cancer protocals use large doses of vitamin D, so it seems I can grow two plants from the same root here (my non-violent way of saying “kill two birds with one stone.”)

Exercise

Did qigong walking all the way to the park (about 30 minutes) then did Aloha movements in the park. A friend sent me a video about Wim Hof (aka Iceman) who is able to withstand freezing temperatures and control his immune system with a breathing technique. The breathing technique is very similar to the rhythmic breathing in the qigong walk. I’m going to explore this since I’ve been sensing into a way to control my autonomic nervous system and immune system.

I think visualization is a way to control the immune system. Research has shown how visualizing an inexhaustible force breaking down the tumor has lead to tumors disappearing. I visualize my body as a waterfall with the mana (power) of the Universe coming through my crown chakra and cleaning/clearing my intestines/rectum.

Relationships

The talk with my wife helped a lot. Had a great time with the boys today. Seeing Nimo and ServiceSpace folks always puts a smile on my face.

Had a great laugh with my roommate. I was telling him how the doctor who gave me a sigmoidoscopy doesn’t know me from Adam, so if I retested he might not be able to do much of a comparison. “Yeah, your just another asshole he has to see,” said Dave.

Spirituality

Nimo was telling a young Stanford senior about something he heard Jayeshbhai say at the Gandhi ashram: “Don’t live in fear. If you are walking down a dark path guided by the light of a torch, you will not be able to see the end of the path. But if you just take the next step and let the light of your torch guide you in this way, the path will illuminate itself. In order for clarity to naturally arise, you have to take that small step.”

This reminds me of what Michael Lerner said, “go only at the pace of guidance.”

In my walk with this dis-ease, i will not live in fear even if I can’t see the end of the path. I will take small steps only at the pace of guidance.

 Kūkae (BM)

Blood and sediment seems to be tapering. I did an 11.5 ph enema. Lots of blood there, but I was able to take in and hold quite a bit of water, maybe 10 oz. I tried an enema a few weeks ago and I couldn’t even take in 2 oz or hold it for any period of time. Four hours after the enema today, I had a small bit of sediment come out with very little blood.

I’m not sure how often I will do these. They do seem to help and the 11.5 ph water is more natural than mixing baking soda and vitamin C.