`Ole Kū Kolu
‘Ikuwâ 20
After a long conversation with a family member, I realized how much of a burden I have been on my family. From the loss of my job to embracing gift ecology to the cancer diagnosis, I have been a financial and emotional albatross for many of my loved ones.
I used to get upset with others when they treated me in ways that I perceived as insensitive. “Don’t you know that I have cancer?” I would think or say under my breath. Now I see that I have drained the emotional gas tanks of many of those around me. I am trying to deepen into my practice of akahai–kindness or dealing with others as if I were wearing white gloves, so I don’t stain, damage, or hurt them.
I have even had the thought that it would be better for everyone if I just died. I have a fairly large life insurance policy and all those who are anxious about my alternative treatments would be able to relax and say, “I told him to get the chemo, radiation, and surgery.” I know this is literally a “deadly thought,” but it has arisen.
The flip side is that I need to live a long life to make up for all the heartache and pain I have caused.
I also think about all the people I have met since my unemployment. For them, I have been a positive influence. I have continued to find the silver lining even in very dark skies.
I guess the lesson is that we don’t have any control over others feelings and emotions. We can only shine our light as authentically as possible. Some will react to this light as a threat, while others will see it as an invitation. Some may blame you for their stress or distress. Others may thank you for their joy and happiness. I constantly remind myself of the Ho`oponopono teaching that I am 100% responsible for whatever arises in my life.
The Ho`oponopono prayer covers all of the thoughts above: “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” Those four statements clear all relational trespasses and forge bridges of lōkahi–unity, connectedness, unbrokenness. I guess I’m being asked to deepen into this prayer. I’m also reminded of what the angels told me during my Reiki session with Giovanni: “Don’t give up; you know better.”
Diet
Got off the turtle soup. Funny story–the night before I started drinking the soup, my sons were watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. In the movie, the bad guys are after the turtles to extract their blood which has powerful healing properties. I saw this as a sign, so I started drinking the soft-shell turtle soup.
After 2 days of profuse bleeding, I decided to stop. I realized that the real message was NOT to eat the turtles even if they have healing properties. My qigong master told me that the reason why I couldn’t just get soft-shell turtle powder at the herb store is because due to the rising economy in China, there is a shortage of soft-shell turtles. So the herb sellers are collecting the shells of turtles that have already been eaten to make the medicine. Seems to me that soft-shell turtles are heading for extinction, so I’m not going to participate in this slaughter, even if it means that I have to forgo the powerful medicinal properties.
Without the turtle, I have been pretty much raw, except for my morning oatmeal. I have also started drinking water from young coconuts. I also eat some of the meat from the coconut.
Exercise
After the fatigue from the turtles, I started my morning prayers and movements again. I’m finding deep healing in both the movements and the vibrations of the prayers.
Did 5 minutes of straight laughing with my men’s group last night. It felt great. Laughter is great medicine.
Relationships
As you can see above, I’ve been trying to empathize with those around me. It is a fine line to empathize while taking full responsibility of everything that arises in my field. The key seems to be not taking on the emotional baggage of others while trying to serve them.
Spirituality
Went to a memorial service for Trude Bock, the woman I used to do hospice care for. On the morning she passed, I decided to learn a Hawaiian chant called “E ala E.” Part of me felt like I should be spending quality time with Trude, but the night before I talked to another care giver and we agreed that Trude could live another year.
When I heard that she passed an hour after I left, I felt guilty that I had not attended to her more that morning. But the Hawaiian prayer seemed almost God-sent: “Rise up/Awaken. The sun in the east. From the ocean, the deep ocean. Climbing to heaven, the highest heaven. In the east, there is the sun. Arise/Awaken.” I chanted the prayer at Trude’s burial.
After the memorial service, I hopped in my car and the first song that came on was Kaukahi’s “E ala E”–a musical version of the prayer. It felt like Trude was talking to me or hugging me.
Also at the memorial service, I reconnected with another caretaker named Benedicta. When I told her about my diagnosis, she said to look at ways I haven’t forgiven myself. I sense there is something powerful there, but I’m not sure what I’m still holding against myself.
Kūkae (BM)
I seem to be alternating between days of cleansing out my colon and smaller BM days that consist of blood and sediment.
10/15
7 AM Blood and sediment
8 AM Medium BM w/blood
9:10 AM Large BM w/little blood
4 PM Sediment and blood with small BM
7 PM Small BM lots of blood
8 PM Blood and sediment
10/16
7 AM Blood and lots of sediment
8 AM Large/medium BM w/blood
11 AM Large BM w/little to no blood
4 PM Small BM w/blood
10/17
7 AM Blood and sediment
10 AM small BM
1:30 PM Blood and sediment
5:20 PM Blood and sediment
8:30 PM Blood and sediment
10/18
2:30 AM Blood and sediment
7:44 AM Tiny Blood and sediment
8:10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM
10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM
6 PM Blood and sediment
10/19
7:10 AM Blood and sediment with large BM
9:30 AM Huge BM with no blood
10/20
6:30 AM Blood and sediment
8:10 AM Medium BM Blood and sediment
8:40 AM Medium BM little blood
3 PM Sediment
9:45 PM lots of Blood and sediment
everyday gurus 
It is important to forgive yourself too, dear Kozo {{hugs}}
So true, Robert. I’m just trying to forgive myself completely for things I might not even be aware of. It is a wonderful journey. Glad I have walking partners like you. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
This was quite a enlightening revelations that you had. May be you can work part time, I dont know just thinking aloud. Keeping your mind busy or else the chatter becomes too much and confusing, as happened in Nija Turtle case. There are times that we confuse mind’s voice with our instinct may be because that seems to be the most convenient option then. I have messed up quite a bit thinking the former to be later. We have to be really grounded to hear the instinct clearly.
God bless you.
I am working part time, Ashualec, but it is not for very much. I agree that distinguishing between intuition and chatter is key. I am working on grounding like you said.
God bless you
{{{hugs}}}} Kozo
I send all the hope, love and compassion that I have to you today my friend. I know your struggle is huge, but we are the creators of our reality and I firmly believe that if you have faith in the treatments that you are undertaking that they will produce the results you desire. Banish negative thoughts about being a burden or people would be better off without you. That is certainly not the case, your light makes the world a brighter place and those in your life know this. Shine on Kozo and let the healing continue. Love and support from a continent away. 🙂
Thanks, Jonathan. Great to “see” you again. You shine on the east coast and I’ll shine on the west!!! {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
You do my friend, there is no doubt about that. 🙂
the part about finding the line between taking on someone’s emotional baggage and being willing to serve others is very important, but not easy. Your sharing your journey is helping many others. Thank you.
Thanks, Eileen. Yes, it is not easy to distinguish between empathy and emotional baggage. I have been grounding to stay strong. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
As Jonathan has already said, you are not a burden and people would not be better off without you Kozo. It’s important to accept that we are not responsible for other people’s thoughts or emotions. Those things come from within the self as reactions to events, words or deeds. You don’t need to live a long life to “make up for all the heartache and pain I’ve caused.” You need to live a long and healthy life to prevent the decades of heartache and pain your absence from this world will cause for those who love you. My Mom died in her 40’s. I was in my 20’s. It’s almost 20 years ago and I can assure you no amount of life insurance or ‘time to get over it’ has ever filled the gaping hole in my Father’s heart, or my own.
I send love, hugs and prayers that this illness may be cast from your body.
Thanks, TW. Your perspective on living a long life and your authentic share about your mother really enlivens me to keep on keepin’ on. I’m usually up beat about everything in my life, but I’m trying to be real and aware of any subtle doubts or blindspots. Thank you for your gentleness and love. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
I have only recently found your blog…I have a chronic medical condition as well. I am sending you lots of love and light. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you, Heather. Reflecting light and love right back at you. I’m finding that medical conditions are wake up calls to become who we were meant to be. Do you find this true? {{{Hugs]}} Kozo
Hang in there Kozo. I love the ho’oponopono prayer so much. It’s taking full responsibility. Keep doing it over and over and you’ll see a difference I think.
Much love,
Alison
I have already seen differences, my dear friend. I just have to keep doing it consistently and persistently without any attachment to outcomes. {{{Hugs}}} kozo
[…] and patience.” To tell the truth, I had been getting a bit impatient recently and even had some lapses of faith, so these words struck a chord deep inside […]
Makala, my dear brother. Feel free to “burden” me anytime:). I know it’s not admirers you’re looking for…but I do admire you, your strength, how your inner beauty illuminates anyone in your presence. When I’m told to visualize compassion for a meditative practice, you come to mind. Sitting in the circle with you and everyone else at the Kindness Temple on Wednesdays is the highlight of my week (when I can make it). Annicca. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you find peace and joy. I love you, Makala <3.
Love you too, Brother. Missed you at the last few circles, but you were there in spirit. Great reminder about Annicca, especially as it applies to dis-ease, whether that be a leg that is asleep during a sit or a tumor. With Gratitude and Aloha, MK