‘Ole Pau
Māhoe Hope 21
Had a qigong session with a qigong master today. He wants me to start eating soft-shell turtle soup with herbs. Not sure if I am ready to consume animal product again, much less little soft shelled honu. We also did qigong walking. He suggests I do this walk 2 hours a day.
Had Men’s Group tonight which focused on relationships with mothers. I made an intention to go talk to my mom about my childhood. Part of me is afraid that I might hurt her feelings or make her sad, but as one of the members of the group pointed out, it is not a child’s role to take care of the parent–of course, as we age we do have a responsibility to take care of our parents, but as children we often take on that burden.
I’m really feeling into how this dis-ease has to do with feelings that I have not released around my mother and childhood. I still get triggered when my wife brings up my mother as an example of good parenting. I still picture her with her arms crossed, tapping her toe, while I plea with her to stop my step-father from beating me.
Diet
Made some delicious veggie sushi today including “veggie rice” made of chopped up daikon root. This meal gave me confidence that I can live with this raw veggie diet and enjoy myself.
Exercise
Did early morning prayers and movements to the sunrise. Felt good to start the day off with prayer and movement.
Relationships
Deepened my relationship with the men in the men’s group by talking about our relationships with our mothers. Surprising how similar we all are.
Spirituality
While talking about my biological mother, I also mentioned the Reiki experience in Hawaii where I felt cradled by the Divine Mother. It makes me realize that I am being nurtured just the way I want, just not by my biological mother. Reminds me of what an Akashic records reader told me, “Our spiritual family is far more satisfying than any relationship we will have in life.”
Kūkae (BM)
It seems I’m in a pattern of blood sediment in the morning, followed by normal BM all day, then blood at night. I actually slept through the whole night last night without having to go to the bathroom.
everyday gurus 
Dear Kozo,
May be you can write this incident that was triggered. May be it will help
you release
Bless you
Yes, Ashualec, I will definitely write it up after I have the conversation with my mother. It has to do with my mom watching me get physically abused for 12 years and not doing anything to stop it.
{{{hugs]}} Kozo
I agree with Ashualec in their response.. Mother?Child relationships hold deep at there core lots of emotional baggage that we carry around.. ( I know from my own relationship with my Mother ).
So speaking about it, and delving deeper often can bring up those emotions we perhaps thought we had let go of.. but we often hang onto the simplest of hurts which leave hidden scars which then transcend into illness..
Sending you Love and Light and some Healing thoughts… ( Good you slept through the night )
Blessings Sue xx
Thanks, Sue. I will definitely write it up. Figuring out how to format it. I once wrote a letter to my mom that I never showed her. Maybe I will post it here.
I really appreciate the love, light, and healing thoughts,
{{{hugs]}}} Kozo
I wrote a letter to my Mother after she passed, saying all the things which had got left unsaid during the silent years.. I offered it up to the angels and then burnt it.. This I found a great release and healing xx
Good you slept through the night. Definitely must heal the relationship with your mother, it’s a core thing. My own mother issues affected just about every area of my life. I can’t imagine how destroyed you have been by a mother who allowed you to be beaten. As infants/children the mother is the one person we rely on the most to keep us safe. Perhaps she was scared of your step father too. Either way this is not the time for forgiveness. Yet. First you must face and feel all you have stuffed – so painful and indigestible was this that you stuffed it right to the bottom of your digestive tract and there it got stuck. It doesn’t matter in the end if you talk to her or not actually. What does matter is that you get in touch with and release (ie FEEL) the feelings you had as a child – guilt, terror, anger, hurt, powerlessness. Some early-childhood therapy might be an effective place to start. Maybe talking with your mother about it would be a catalyst for you to get in touch with the feelings. This is a big journey you are on Kozo. No time for playing nice, or pretending any more, not to anyone. The only thing that will set you free is the truth, *your* truth – in every area of your life.
With much love, Alison
Yes, yes, and yes, Alison. So much wisdom in this comment. I have been stuffing this down for a long time. I don’t consciously repress it, but I just skirt around the corners, like when I’m sitting down for dinner at my parent’s house. I don’t allow myself to feel the pain, betrayal, and grief that still arises when my mother doesn’t seem to care about my well-being. I was telling the men in the men’s group that I haven’t talked to my mother in almost a month, and I have a cancer diagnosis.
I’m going to call her and ask to talk to her next week. I’ll let you know how it goes.
{{{Hugs]}} Kozo