How Blogging Saved My Marriage and Life

A few months ago, my wife woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had been up early getting the kids ready, so when she started criticizing me about how I was handling the morning chores, I lost it. After storming out of the house with my two sons, I almost threw my son’s lunch at a car that cut us off in the crosswalk. The whole day was full of conflict, frustration, and bad energy.

Reading my favorite bloggers later that evening, I realized that I was not a very good example of a Blogger for Peace. It hit me then that without peace in the home, we cannot have peace in the world.

Peace in Relationships

This photo is old, but it represents how I feel right now.

I vowed from that point forward to make peace in my home my number one priority. My wife and I still have arguments. My sons still get on my nerves. But after these setbacks, I focus on how to create more peace in our lives.

A few weeks later, two different friends asked me for marriage advice because they noticed a change in my relationship. Soon a number of different acquaintances began to question me about my “secret” to a loving marriage.

After hours of writing and meditation, I realized that my life-long study and practice in mindfulness, cultivating compassion, and gender politics makes me a very effective relationship coach especially for men.

banner

So for the Monthly Peace Challenge: Peace at Home, I did not write a post. Instead I made a website. Welcome to PeaceinMarriage.com. My contribution to world peace is to bring peace into as many homes as I can.

pim1

I have to thank Rarasaur for being my web designer. If you want someone to help you create, hone, and spread your vision, hire Rarasaur. Her knowledge of web sites, wordpress, social media, and business is just as, if not more impressive than her blog. She will also nearly kill herself to satisfy your requests. Having said that, please do not ask Rarasaur to do any web designing for free. She is a professional who deserves to be paid. She will give you way more than you paid for.

Feel free to go over to PeaceinMarriage.com to check out Rarasaur’s amazing handiwork. Also, you guys are my friends, so I want some honest constructive criticism about any aspects of this new undertaking. If my zipper is down or I have a huge boogie in my nose (figuratively speaking), please let me know.

Thank you for reading, sharing, and/or smiling.

What do you think of relationship coaches? Please share.

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73 comments on “How Blogging Saved My Marriage and Life

  1. smilecalm says:

    happy to hear that peace is restored. may it be so, one mindful breath at a time.

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Great reminder, smilecalm. Peace can only be restored one mindful breath at at time. Thich Nhat Hanh is smiling calmly at the peace we are experiencing. {{{hugs]}} Kozo

  2. yaussiechick says:

    As long as they are humble and well meaning, I think they are fine. Nobody is perfect but I tell you what Kozo, I really respect you tremendously. I think you rock!

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thank you so much, Dianna. I will remember to be humble and well-meaning. I hope we can rock some change in men to create peace in this world. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  3. Joycelyn says:

    Reblogged this on I am Super Istar and commented:
    I am not married but this helps a lot. I encourage all my blogger friends to read and visit PeaceinMarriage.com ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thank you so much, Jocelyn. The program is for anyone in a relationship. If being intimate with a man is in your future, send them my way, and I will make sure they learn to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I really appreciate the reblog and referrals. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

  4. rarasaur says:

    Haha, awww, Kozo, you were honestly the most undemanding client I’ve ever had. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m so impressed with the videos on PeaceInMarriage.com… I love the organic origins of your journey, and how naturally you fell into being able to offer advice on peaceful relationship building. Congrats on dedicating yourself to the path and for making things happen. ๐Ÿ˜€ *hugs*

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Rara,
      I couldn’t make anything happen without you, and I’m not just talking about the web site. You are part of my organic journey. I hope you know how much I value your presence in my world. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  5. Melissa T. says:

    Glad you and your family created a peaceful marriage!

  6. Le Clown says:

    Kozo,
    I like that you refer to yourself as a coach, as someone who is there to help bring the best out of a couple. To me, it instills trust knowing that you are there with us to work “with” our strength and challenges, and not “above” us. It’s the way to go, at least it is for me.

    As for Rarasaur, the more I read about her, the more I like her. Read that, Rarasaur?
    Le Clown

    • twindaddy says:

      Le Clown,
      Rarasaur is one of my favorite bloggers. She’s very articulate, intelligent, funny, and one of the most positive people I know. You will not regret following her.
      Twindaddy

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Great point, Le Clown. I used to be an athletic coach until I started questioning the lack of compassion and empathy that I was perpetuating, but I do see the idea of coach necessary in relationship counseling. We need someone who will motivate, instruct, and empathize with us on a daily basis. The power of the internet has the possibilities of changing the entire profession of couple’s counseling.

      Yes, Rara is amazing. The best part of Rara is her heart. I should probably say that the best part of all of us is our heart, but Rara shares hers freely. {{{hugs]}} Kozo

    • rarasaur says:

      *eavesdropping* I read everything, Le Clown, it’s sorta my kryptonite. If I was trapped in a burning building even, I’d probably stop to read the signs and pamphlets… ๐Ÿ™‚

      And, Kozo, you’re incredibly kind. There are so many of us on the blogosphere who are heart-sharers, and I’m glad to be counted amongst them. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Rohan 7 Things says:

    This is awesome Kozo, congrats to you on setting up the site and I wish you all the best with your endeavor ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t doubt that your wisdom and experience will be able to help a great number of people!

    Another great book is Non Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg, definitely one to study if you haven’t already!

    The site looks fantastic, excellent work by Rara, love the bamboo aesthetic ๐Ÿ™‚

    Keep following your dreams, hope it all goes really well for ya Kozo!

    Hugs ๐Ÿ™‚

    Rohan.

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Already got it on the list, Rohan, from when you mentioned the giraffe/jackal listening on one of your posts.
      I’ll let you in on a little secret–I’m including bedroom advice, so I’m anxiously waiting for the release of your book to supplement my tantric research.

      Let me know if you have any other suggestions. {{{Hugs}}} kozo

  8. I love what smilecalm wrote! You are doing wonderful

  9. Kozo, this is such an important topic, and your new website looks very professional. Congratulations to you, and kudos to Rarasaur. Since you love research, I thought I’d share a site you might find of interest, if you aren’t already privy to it. I wished this information was made more available in marriage counseling sessions. Couples experience a soup of neurochemicals, and these neurochemicals can affect emotions and behavior. Understanding our biology is key. Having this awareness is beneficial because couples can step back and assess rather than blame or assume that the relationships is headed south. I’m only going to leave one link, as leaving more than one tends to get flagged as spam. This article is about why couples pull away after sex.

    http://www.reuniting.info/science/dopamine_separation_after_orgasm

    The information on the site is extensive. However, I’ve selected one category and In the navigation bar to the left, I recommend those articles especially.

    Btw, you can find a series of their articles posted on Psychology Today. I won’t leave the link for reasons stated above. Google the terms Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow and Psychology Today.

    I admire you for advocating peace in marriages. The more peace is promoted the more oxytocin is released, and the more oxytocin is released, the greater potential for healing, life-long bonding, and well being. Oh, one more note…hugs release oxytocin. ๐Ÿ™‚

    [[[hugs]]]]

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thank you so much, Neuronotes. I am reading Wired for Love right now. I also spoke to Emiliana Simon-Thomas about oxytocin a few days ago. She was telling me about how oxytocin injected into the nasal cavity gives a greater sense of trust, cooperation, and empathic attunement. I have a vague memory of hearing Paul Gilbert talk about the limitations of injecting oxytocin to create more empathy, compassion, etc., but I can’t remember exactly what he said.
      I’m trying to incorporate neuroplasticity and quantum physics in my program to cultivate compassion in men. Thank you so much for the research. I will delve into it. I am so grateful to have befriended you. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  10. lauriesnotes says:

    Love this. I will check it out. I like the coach relationship better than patient/ therapist. I have found this to be so helpful. When I really started to heal and find peace, I found this type of relationships. I continue to work with a coach. I’m glad for you.
    Much peace –
    Laurie

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Great point, Laurie. I think everyone needs coaches, even if it is their friends. If you really think about it, a guru is really a spiritual coach. They can’t do the work for you, but they can show you the way.
      {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  11. lauriesnotes says:

    Love the website!
    Wishing you all the best –

  12. Melanie says:

    Good for you! This is great. I wish you the best in this calling. I’m glad to see you so passionate to do this. Your excitement will be contagious.
    And, thank you for including my post in your list.
    {hugs} to you

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Like I said on your post, Melanie. You and Goldfish have been a great motivation for me to change myself and other men in regards to patriarchy and gender equality. I have been really busy lately, so I have not been able to read your latest section of “On Sand and Asphalt,” but it is in my cue. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  13. I will check out this site! Yes, Rara is a treasure. She made a doodle poem for me that really touched me. I LOVE it. You can find it on my about page. It’s so good.

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Love your doodle poem. Rara made one for me that I treasure as well. What is even more amazing is getting something in the mail from that self-less dinosaur. I love Rara, and I am glad you do too. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  14. csroth3 says:

    I want to share some of my favorite relationship links (not my sites) with you that may be helpful in your new coaching endeavor: http://amplifyhappinessnow.wordpress.com/
    http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thank you so much, Cheryl. I love Gina Senarighi’s site. I will definitely try to get in touch with her, especially since she does a Vipassana meditation retreat every year.
      I am also intrigued by Eli Finkel’s work.
      I really appreciate you taking the time to link me to these resources. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so maybe I am meant to read/meet these colleagues. {{{Hugs]}} Kozo

  15. Stuck Sucks says:

    Congrats to you on starting this! It is so exciting and inspiring when people really follow their soul’s desires. The website is fabulous, and thank you for recommending Rarasaur – she does a fantastic job!

  16. so true Peace must start at home…good luck on your new webpage!

  17. Kozo, you deserve many, many hugs! Sorry I have been MIA. Here’s the thing about relationships. You first have to be true to yourself before you can be true to another person. The declaration you made about first peace in your home is about what you will do. I would ask you, first make peace within yourself then let it ripple out from there. If we all did that intentionally that ripple can change the world!

    I am going to visit your new website and support it any way I can. As you know I am a coach but I don’t particularly like the word coach. My moniker has been wisdom partner. It fit better. What about you? Is there an alternative name for what you do that resonates? Or is relationship coach good for you? No wrong answer to that. It is all about your helping people. And I know from your blog you have been doing that for a long time. {{{hugs}}}

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thanks, Alicia. I am so grateful for the wisdom you share with me. I love your moniker. I will meditate on my moniker for the next few days and see what I come up with. Maybe “Peacemaker for Men” or “Male Peacemaker.” We’ll see.

      I completely agree with you about finding peace within. Part of my program focuses on self-validation and self-compassion.

      I would still love to interview you sometime. I love your new website.

      {{{hugs}}} Kozo

      • Thanks so much Kozo. Do you have my private em address? EM me to set up a time for an interview. I also have some nice tools I can share with you.
        All the best and happy for you!
        Alicia

  18. we do indeed need to be the change we want to see in the world:)

  19. Indira says:

    Relationship coaches are great, hearing woes of others all the time and giving them solution is a hard but great job. A lot of patience is required and convincing people to change a bit is very difficult sometimes.

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      I hear you, Indira. I’m trying to get men to change in regards to Patriarchy, so I’ve got my hands full, but I know that this is the way to peace. So I push forward. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  20. prayingforoneday says:

    GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE BUD..
    I done this today:

    http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/my-greatest-story-of-love-the-woman-who-saved-my-life/

    Great blog.
    Life is “Moments”
    We take the good ones..
    You are a lucky man my friend and you TRULY know what is important.
    More respect than you know, from me, to you

    Brilliant Kozo

  21. BroadBlogs says:

    We are all on this journey together. Thanks for reminding us of the need for peace in our closest relationships and in our daily lives. Strange how we can forget that.

  22. Geo Sans says:

    congratulations kozo

    ~

    the new website

    looks great

    ~

    also

    I couldn’t agree more

    with your video

    ~

    I’m marvelled by your

    passion

    continuous contributions

    to peace

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thanks so much, Geo Sans. I also want to thank you for reading and commenting on the Greater Good article. You are a kind and generous soul. I appreciate your friendship.
      I have been swamped with edits and videos this past week, but will get back to reading posts soon.
      {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

      • Geo Sans says:

        really appreciated

        your article

        ~

        very necessary insight, challenges

        for humanity

      • Kozo Hattori says:

        I needed your support today, Geo Sans. Thank you. Just got off my youtube page where a number of men felt the need to attack me because I was speaking for women in a world dominated by “misandry.” It really made me question if this change is possible. But your comment reminded me that this is why it is a challenge. {{{hugs}} Kozo

      • Geo Sans says:

        it’s always easier
        to blame
        than change

      • Geo Sans says:

        young boys

        are often confused

        with conflicting messages

        from school, home, friends, media

        ~

        unfortunately

        well-meaning ignorance

        covers all areas

        (ex. rough+tumble play, gun play, video games, competition, etc)

        ~

        template approaches

        never work

        everyone pointing fingers

        at each other

        ~

        the more open

        we learn about all relevant issues

        listen to our children

        build further dialogue

        ~

        then

        the better the chance

        we’ll raise

        strong, compassionate, contributing

        individuals

      • Kozo Hattori says:

        I agree completely, Geo Sans. Problem is that most parents want to raise “strong, successful” boys. They often leave the compassion out. Glad to see I’m not alone in my desire to raise compassionate children. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

      • Geo Sans says:

        strength
        ~
        with
        great power
        comes
        great responsibility

  23. theINFP says:

    a great idea, I like the web site it is easy to follow with just the right amount of content ๐Ÿ™‚

  24. Sunshine says:

    fabulous, Kozo! i’m so excited with all the WOW going on with you, your blog adventures and life in general! as i read your bio over in your new blog home, my first thought was, yup, this is a fine example of our earlier background in life – all the experiences/education/mess ups/the why am i doing all this for moments – shaping an individual for their life purpose. of course, some of us never think hard enough to find the purpose, but you accomplished the task. just think how far in advance your children will be with their mindful parents training them. this is wonderful stuff…thanks for caring and helping this planet and its inhabitants strive to be the best it can be.
    โ˜ผsunHUGS!

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Sunshine, Those are the WARMEST words. You give me so much inspiration and guidance–you show me the Light. Yes, all those previous experiences and “mess ups” shaped me for my true purpose. I feel like what I am doing now is something I can do for the rest of my life. Actually, it feels like something I MUST do for the rest of my life.
      {{{hugs}}} to you, my beautiful friend. Love, Kozo

  25. This is wonderful, Kozo. I have some catching up to do on here. The site looks clean speaks your message 100%.
    Rara has worked some of her beautiful magic.
    ๐Ÿ˜€

  26. utesmile says:

    What a lovely photo of you two! And what a great idea to set up the site. I’ll have to check it out. You are doing the right thing and spreading peace!

    • Kozo Hattori says:

      Thanks, Ute. I am making a men’s program to cultivate compassion, mindfulness, and gender equality. I hope I can send your son a copy sometime. The earlier we learn this stuff the better, trust me. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

      • utesmile says:

        You are right, I never thought of my sons in that way. You see I am divorced and my ex never understood any of this. You are great, you know that Kozo!

  27. […] How Blogging Saved My Marriage and Life (everydaygurus.com) […]

  28. Having been divorced myself I don’t suggest it and now happily remarried! A great site and wonderful blog. If I may add that old Wisdom of King Solomon here…in Song of Solomon 8:6-7 it says: โ€œSet me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.” Take what you will from this wisdom there are many pears litter within it!

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