Stop Clicking on my Blog

Hello, my name is Kozo. Hi, Kozo. Welcome, Kozo. Hello, Kozo. And I am an addict. My drug of choice is Site Stats, SS, or as we junkies call it Eses–Spanish for the letter “S” but also slang for companions or friends because for many of us new users, Site Stats are our only friends. I started using Eses a few days after I joined WordPress. After that first click, man, I was a goner. I would refresh my SS twice as many times as the hits I’d gotten. Some days I would just stare at that little message icon waiting for it to turn orange indicating a new hit or perhaps a message from a fellow junkie.

I’ve been clean and sober for about 15 minutes now. Actually, that is a lie because when I clicked “save draft” for this post, I peeked at that little bar graph in the menu bar to see if I’d gotten another hit.

So you can imagine how I felt when I found out that half my hits were fake, bogus, total bullshit. It turns out that these methadone hits were manufactured in my own house. Can you believe it? My wife was sitting on her iPhone day after day clicking on my blog. She would look at posts over and over just to check out a picture of our sleeping son. She was messing with my high. Knawmsayin?

One day I almost snapped and was about to scream at her, “Woman, stop clicking on my blog.” I probably would have added her to my long list of casualties of destructive behavior due to addiction. Luckily, my Sponsor Rarasaur pinged me and calmed me down. She even gave me an award that boosted my dwindling self-esteem and helped me kick the habit for a whole night.

You see, I been trying to get this gig called Freshly Pressed. Every week I submit my application at the DPchallenge and every Friday I watch as some lucky dog gets picked. Don’t get me wrong, some of these fools got mad talent and I’m humbled by their skills. But I can’t help but feel like the ordinary middle child in a family of celebrated artists and Olympic gold medalists. Ya feel me?

Then it dawned on me. I was looking for validation from the wrong source. I was trying to get noticed by these Daily Press strangers when the woman I love was validating me every day. I was getting angry at my most faithful follower when I should have been kneeling down to her in gratitude. Marinate on that for a while. This woman who held me in her arms when I hit rock bottom, who supports me so I can pursue my dreams as a writer, who gifted me with my two beautiful sons was doing exactly what I wanted–reading and smiling at my posts and supplying me with multiple hits every day.

I know I’m not on Step 9 yet, but I gotta throw out a big apology to my Baybers. I love you, honey, and you can click on my blog as much as you want.

This post was inspired by the Weekly Writing Challenge: Break the Ice. I went to the WordPress Reader and looked up some blogs that I would not normally read. In my case, I picked the topic drug addiction. What I found was that in many ways,  I too was an addict who was prone to destructive behavior. The following blogs taught me to check my ego, stop judging, and learn from my mistakes. Thus, I created a post that placed me in the position of an addict at an NA meeting.

Rain Dog and the Dopest Phoenix

What Working with Addicts has Taught Me About Myself

Happy Thanksgiving

Thank you for reading, sharing, and/or smiling.

Is there anyone with whom you are angry that you should be thanking? Please share.


29 comments on “Stop Clicking on my Blog

  1. ha ha ha Kozo 🙂 when you ARE freshly pressed I’ll be happy to say I knew you way back when….

  2. We’re all (well, the honest ones at least) addicted. The rest do the denial-thing and peek when no-ones around. I call them closet-ss-addicts, or CSA’s. So, Kozo, welcome to the out-of-closets; where writing is such a passion, the pain is more intense, and the hope that you’ll touch a reader, somewhere, with inspired words, drive you back to the keyboard time and again. And again. And again…

    • Kozo says:

      Thanks, Amos. It is comforting to know that established writers like yourself are addicts as well. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing Amos’s writing, click over to his blog or click on “mad talent” in the post above.
      Amos’s storytelling is some of the deepest and WELL-WRITTEN prose I’ve read ever read.

  3. I love it when you make me smile! Even here in Thailand we have problems with the steps also. Some times I have to go back to one just to make sure I’m not missing anything. Thai people have never heard of “THE PROGRAM.” Had to be the same as Bill & Bob many years ago.

    • Kozo says:

      Thanks for the visit, Jim. I look forward to stealing some of your insights about ego and humility while you do your walk.

      • Feel free to steal, that’s what I’m doing from you! lol I still have the problem of being powerless over this computer. My walk should take 30-60 days. Can I be cyber-less for all that time? Will I go through withdrawal? Love your site.

  4. NIKOtheOrb says:

    😀 Ha, this was great. I love the way you can tell a story. You have the abilities of an elder; you know, one of those wise old men with heaps of experience and perception and really knows how to get to their listeners because of the way they can open up the mind so that the mind *wants* to listen. You have a way with seeing from the flipside; I hope you know that you are also one of those everyday gurus.

  5. I loved this post, it made me smile 🙂 your wife sounds awesome, you’re lucky to have found someone who truly supports you and your dreams 🙂 glad you were able to re-evaluate the situation and see it as something positive.

  6. oliviaobryon says:

    This made me laugh out loud. Had to read parts of it to my husband on the couch because we both related so much. I used to be addicted to blog stats too. Somehow I stopped paying much attention. This sounds like the very post that could be Freshly Pressed though… Just saying 😉

    • Kozo says:

      Thanks, Olivia. If you ever find out how you kicked the habit, please share. The 12 step program hasn’t been adapted for digital addictions yet.
      By the way, I love the fact that you can share your blogging adventures with your husband. My post was inspired by the same luxury.
      P.S. I’m falling behind on NaMoWriMo. I need to be locked up in a room for the last week or I’m not going to make it.

      • oliviaobryon says:

        I realized I had a problem this summer when I was on vacation and still wanted to compulsively check my stats on my phone. When I realized this I forced myself to leave my phone in my hotel room and went entire days without looking. At first it was agonizing, but then I realized it wasn’t that big of a deal. Seriously liberating! Sometimes I still fall into the same pattern, but in general I don’t look unless I’m on here to write something new. Cutting myself off at specific times and ending email notifications also helped… Good luck 😉

        And, yes, agreed– it is very powerful to have a relationship that supports writing in all of its time consuming forms! It’s nice to hear that you and your wife are similarly supportive.

        Lastly– I’m SO behind on NaNoWriMo. I’m at like 8,500 words. BUT, I pushed past the part where I wanted to quit and am liking my story, so no matter what, a victory! Hope the same for you!

  7. Awesome. How many of us have that too long awaited realization – “I was looking for validation from the wrong source.” Great post, great blog! Domo!

    • Kozo says:

      Thanks for the comment and follow. Richard Bach’s Illusions has been an important part of my spiritual growth. I look forward to conversing with you.
      After reading the post, my wife, who is a doctor of psychology, pointed out that the validation needs to be internal rather than external. So I guess, I was still looking in the wrong place.

  8. No greater truth… We share a study of the Martial Arts as well. One of my Sensei’s favorite exchanges is the meaninglessness of the external belt. “If that is all you want, I’ll give you the 800 number…” The meaningful rank comes when you acknowledge the growth inside. Great reminder! Thanks again!

  9. eof737 says:

    Duh!!!??? Hell to the yeah to da wife! I was about to read you the riot act, man. Your wife gives you hits and that matters more… Lissen up, the FP high is temporary then you gotta get back to the gig called blogging, dig? Had to imitate the style you wrote this post in… So 1970s… LOVE IT!!!! 😆 🙂

    • Kozo says:

      Glad you got my drift, Eliz. I was worried that readers would miss the tone of that post and think I was a horrible speller. I’m so glad you “sped up your ears” and caught the beat.
      I love the advice about getting back to the gig of blogging. Much love, Kozo.

  10. I’m addicted to Eses too. Good to know I’m not the only one. 🙂

  11. […] Stop Clicking on my Blog ( […]

  12. Sunshine says:

    This made my day complete! Thanks, I needed a hearty laughter pill today. 🙂

  13. Oh boy, this cracked me up. Why did I just find this now? My favorite was the line about “I’ve been clean for about 15 mins…wait..”
    This put a smile on my face.

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