Hello, my name is Kozo. Hi, Kozo. Welcome, Kozo. Hello, Kozo. And I am an addict. My drug of choice is Site Stats, SS, or as we junkies call it Eses–Spanish for the letter “S” but also slang for companions or friends because for many of us new users, Site Stats are our only friends. I started using Eses a few days after I joined WordPress. After that first click, man, I was a goner. I would refresh my SS twice as many times as the hits I’d gotten. Some days I would just stare at that little message icon waiting for it to turn orange indicating a new hit or perhaps a message from a fellow junkie.
I’ve been clean and sober for about 15 minutes now. Actually, that is a lie because when I clicked “save draft” for this post, I peeked at that little bar graph in the menu bar to see if I’d gotten another hit.
So you can imagine how I felt when I found out that half my hits were fake, bogus, total bullshit. It turns out that these methadone hits were manufactured in my own house. Can you believe it? My wife was sitting on her iPhone day after day clicking on my blog. She would look at posts over and over just to check out a picture of our sleeping son. She was messing with my high. Knawmsayin?
One day I almost snapped and was about to scream at her, “Woman, stop clicking on my blog.” I probably would have added her to my long list of casualties of destructive behavior due to addiction. Luckily, my Sponsor Rarasaur pinged me and calmed me down. She even gave me an award that boosted my dwindling self-esteem and helped me kick the habit for a whole night.
You see, I been trying to get this gig called Freshly Pressed. Every week I submit my application at the DPchallenge and every Friday I watch as some lucky dog gets picked. Don’t get me wrong, some of these fools got mad talent and I’m humbled by their skills. But I can’t help but feel like the ordinary middle child in a family of celebrated artists and Olympic gold medalists. Ya feel me?
Then it dawned on me. I was looking for validation from the wrong source. I was trying to get noticed by these Daily Press strangers when the woman I love was validating me every day. I was getting angry at my most faithful follower when I should have been kneeling down to her in gratitude. Marinate on that for a while. This woman who held me in her arms when I hit rock bottom, who supports me so I can pursue my dreams as a writer, who gifted me with my two beautiful sons was doing exactly what I wanted–reading and smiling at my posts and supplying me with multiple hits every day.
I know I’m not on Step 9 yet, but I gotta throw out a big apology to my Baybers. I love you, honey, and you can click on my blog as much as you want.
This post was inspired by the Weekly Writing Challenge: Break the Ice. I went to the WordPress Reader and looked up some blogs that I would not normally read. In my case, I picked the topic drug addiction. What I found was that in many ways, I too was an addict who was prone to destructive behavior. The following blogs taught me to check my ego, stop judging, and learn from my mistakes. Thus, I created a post that placed me in the position of an addict at an NA meeting.
Thank you for reading, sharing, and/or smiling.
Is there anyone with whom you are angry that you should be thanking? Please share.